Thursday, April 29, 2004
Life really is a roller coaster, just when you think that you are starting to be happy, it kicks you in the stomach. I never blame the people, I never blame them. If I blame anyone, it would be me. I can't help but feel cheated, as if the world want's me to be unhappy.
Tori's friends gave her email address to me. And I emailed her last night. I got a reply back today. It was'nt the type of reply I was hoping before. But it is an answer, it is an end.
She never liked me, it was all me. And Since I never talked to her, I never found out she wasnt looking for anyone. I thought of a comment I heard recently, to be fixated on one thing makes you blind to everything else around you. How many other chances have I lost because I had a sily crush on Tori.
I was foolish to think that she would want to go out with me. Noone would ever want me. It was just a fluke that .Tasha liked me, and even then she didnt want me for long. I am useless, someone that is destined to be alone for the rest of his life. Never to experience true love.
If ever there was a time I wanted to cry more, it would be now. But even now only a slight amount of tears are appearing. Scarcely enough to wipe away. Barely enough to stop me from typing.
Shattered once again, this is when someone asks. Is it even worth trying anymore, why go looking for love if you are only going to be knocked down EVERY single time. I know I haven't tried, much. But it isn't a very good start to it all. And I am finding that each time I get knocked down it gets progressively harder to get back up again...
///Simmo
Tori's friends gave her email address to me. And I emailed her last night. I got a reply back today. It was'nt the type of reply I was hoping before. But it is an answer, it is an end.
She never liked me, it was all me. And Since I never talked to her, I never found out she wasnt looking for anyone. I thought of a comment I heard recently, to be fixated on one thing makes you blind to everything else around you. How many other chances have I lost because I had a sily crush on Tori.
I was foolish to think that she would want to go out with me. Noone would ever want me. It was just a fluke that .Tasha liked me, and even then she didnt want me for long. I am useless, someone that is destined to be alone for the rest of his life. Never to experience true love.
If ever there was a time I wanted to cry more, it would be now. But even now only a slight amount of tears are appearing. Scarcely enough to wipe away. Barely enough to stop me from typing.
Shattered once again, this is when someone asks. Is it even worth trying anymore, why go looking for love if you are only going to be knocked down EVERY single time. I know I haven't tried, much. But it isn't a very good start to it all. And I am finding that each time I get knocked down it gets progressively harder to get back up again...
///Simmo
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
Trust, it is such a frail thing. It can easily be broken and sometimes for what seems to be such a simple misunderstanging from both parties.
This is why I have changed my password.
I would like to think of myself as a very trustworthy person, I would keep a secret until my dying breath if that person asked me to. I treat the words that are spoken to me in confidence with the uttermost of care.
But then there are these times, the times when I don't understand that they were secrets being told to me, something that must be hidden from others. I understood the conversation, in my head, as being something that everyone knew anyway. I was wrong, and now they dont trust me anymore. This always happens with false friends anyway. They talk to me until they find something in me that they do not like, because it always happens. They find a problem and then keep on that topic forever more, I guess I will have to see if they follow the same path. And then there are my true friends, ones that would do anything for me and ask nothing in return, and I would do the same for them, these friendships are selfless. And I am truely appreciative to have friends like that. I also like to think of myself as a good judge of character. First impressions count alot in judging character, coz when you first meet someone is when they are off guard, though they don't seem like they are. I know because that is how I am. Even though I don't speak much when I first meet someone, I speak enough for them to know the bounderies of my character. My true friends have not changed since the first time I met them, the only things that have cahnged is that I know the depths of their character. Not all of it though, only as much as they are willing to show me.
With much luck the people that I am changing the password to protect against, would have stopped reading it by now, and won't even notice. Plus it has been over 3 months, and that is far too long for a password to exist. I hope that I emailed my new password to everyone that reads my diary. And if not, I hope to speak to them soon enough so they don't feel excluded or left out.
Coz that is who I am, a caring person, who takes everything to heart, and casts nothing aside without a long a deep amount of thought. And that thought sometimes works against me. I think about trivial things too much and sometimes that means that the things that matter are lost in the confusion. I also put my trust into people far to quickly, sometimes that is a good thing. As long as they do not betray me. But once I get hurt by someone it just means I put up another wall, and I would never be as open with that person ever again. Even if it were just over a misunderstanding. Putting trust into a person selflessly works well in relationships I hope. I would like to think that once in a relationship I could always jump in with two feet. Because an intimate relationship should never have trust issues. The two people would hopefully love eachother so much that they would never hold anything back. I hope that one day I could have a relationship like that.I know it is selfish at times, but I look at the truly wonderful relationships that my friends are having, and I wonder why can't I find something like that?
If it hurts me so, why is it still in my playlist? "Coldplay -Clocks". It is that song that I associated my relationship with Tasha to. Sometimes I let it play all the way through, sometimes I next it as soon as I can. I guess it shows I don't want to forget the good times that we did have together.
Oh, and if I havent mentioned it before, Tasha has started emailing me agian, I reply to her. I still like to talk to her. But now I finally understand that it is over. And that is a good thing. At least it means that when I do finally have a relationship, it will not be selfish. It will not be used as a way of getting over Tasha. Though a relationship would be good for me in that way, it would not be a true relationship if that was the reason for it in the first place.
wow, I love the posts that never turn out the way that you begin them. I always get the most writen then, and I always say more this way too. Though I will never day enough abuot any one subject. What you read is just the tip of the iceberg. I dont even know everything about myself, maybe that is the meaning of life? (too much monty python :P )
And its amazing, this month is almost finished and I am barely aware that it had begun. I love these moments when I am in a "Twilight Zone" :P Maybe its coz my birthday is about 2 weeks away, May 10th can't come soon enough :D...
As a finish to this rather spectacular blog entry something that I added to the end when I was writing the middle: This blog is a part of my soul and I hope that people appreciate it as that. :)
//Simmo
This is why I have changed my password.
I would like to think of myself as a very trustworthy person, I would keep a secret until my dying breath if that person asked me to. I treat the words that are spoken to me in confidence with the uttermost of care.
But then there are these times, the times when I don't understand that they were secrets being told to me, something that must be hidden from others. I understood the conversation, in my head, as being something that everyone knew anyway. I was wrong, and now they dont trust me anymore. This always happens with false friends anyway. They talk to me until they find something in me that they do not like, because it always happens. They find a problem and then keep on that topic forever more, I guess I will have to see if they follow the same path. And then there are my true friends, ones that would do anything for me and ask nothing in return, and I would do the same for them, these friendships are selfless. And I am truely appreciative to have friends like that. I also like to think of myself as a good judge of character. First impressions count alot in judging character, coz when you first meet someone is when they are off guard, though they don't seem like they are. I know because that is how I am. Even though I don't speak much when I first meet someone, I speak enough for them to know the bounderies of my character. My true friends have not changed since the first time I met them, the only things that have cahnged is that I know the depths of their character. Not all of it though, only as much as they are willing to show me.
With much luck the people that I am changing the password to protect against, would have stopped reading it by now, and won't even notice. Plus it has been over 3 months, and that is far too long for a password to exist. I hope that I emailed my new password to everyone that reads my diary. And if not, I hope to speak to them soon enough so they don't feel excluded or left out.
Coz that is who I am, a caring person, who takes everything to heart, and casts nothing aside without a long a deep amount of thought. And that thought sometimes works against me. I think about trivial things too much and sometimes that means that the things that matter are lost in the confusion. I also put my trust into people far to quickly, sometimes that is a good thing. As long as they do not betray me. But once I get hurt by someone it just means I put up another wall, and I would never be as open with that person ever again. Even if it were just over a misunderstanding. Putting trust into a person selflessly works well in relationships I hope. I would like to think that once in a relationship I could always jump in with two feet. Because an intimate relationship should never have trust issues. The two people would hopefully love eachother so much that they would never hold anything back. I hope that one day I could have a relationship like that.I know it is selfish at times, but I look at the truly wonderful relationships that my friends are having, and I wonder why can't I find something like that?
If it hurts me so, why is it still in my playlist? "Coldplay -Clocks". It is that song that I associated my relationship with Tasha to. Sometimes I let it play all the way through, sometimes I next it as soon as I can. I guess it shows I don't want to forget the good times that we did have together.
Oh, and if I havent mentioned it before, Tasha has started emailing me agian, I reply to her. I still like to talk to her. But now I finally understand that it is over. And that is a good thing. At least it means that when I do finally have a relationship, it will not be selfish. It will not be used as a way of getting over Tasha. Though a relationship would be good for me in that way, it would not be a true relationship if that was the reason for it in the first place.
wow, I love the posts that never turn out the way that you begin them. I always get the most writen then, and I always say more this way too. Though I will never day enough abuot any one subject. What you read is just the tip of the iceberg. I dont even know everything about myself, maybe that is the meaning of life? (too much monty python :P )
And its amazing, this month is almost finished and I am barely aware that it had begun. I love these moments when I am in a "Twilight Zone" :P Maybe its coz my birthday is about 2 weeks away, May 10th can't come soon enough :D...
As a finish to this rather spectacular blog entry something that I added to the end when I was writing the middle: This blog is a part of my soul and I hope that people appreciate it as that. :)
//Simmo
Another day of tafe, another day of not talking to Tori.
Many people say; "What have I got to loose". But to me it is not that simple. When I try to speak to her, I don't know what to do, even if I think of something to say, the words just don't come out.
I talked to Zea again, she is another one of the people that gives me confidene, she helps me believe that I can. Others believe in me, why don't I?
I don't take many chances, often for good reason. But I want to take this chance. I want to jump into the deep end and not know what will happen next. I want to feel the exhileration of a moment gone out of control. But something in me wants to remian in control. Becuase, at times, that is all that I have. I dont want to live like that, I want to find out what would happen if I just took a chance, just I can't do it now. Not without help.
I find I repeat myself alot, it could be a bad thing. I dont know yet.
It shows that I have centered ideas about what I am feeling, that I know a part of me is scared of taking a chance, but another part is being torn apart fromt this time of inaction. One part of me want to take that chance. Most of me wants to take that chance, but I can't ignore that other part.
There I go again, repeating myself...again
Thats enough repition for today :-) ....
//Simmo
Many people say; "What have I got to loose". But to me it is not that simple. When I try to speak to her, I don't know what to do, even if I think of something to say, the words just don't come out.
I talked to Zea again, she is another one of the people that gives me confidene, she helps me believe that I can. Others believe in me, why don't I?
I don't take many chances, often for good reason. But I want to take this chance. I want to jump into the deep end and not know what will happen next. I want to feel the exhileration of a moment gone out of control. But something in me wants to remian in control. Becuase, at times, that is all that I have. I dont want to live like that, I want to find out what would happen if I just took a chance, just I can't do it now. Not without help.
I find I repeat myself alot, it could be a bad thing. I dont know yet.
It shows that I have centered ideas about what I am feeling, that I know a part of me is scared of taking a chance, but another part is being torn apart fromt this time of inaction. One part of me want to take that chance. Most of me wants to take that chance, but I can't ignore that other part.
There I go again, repeating myself...again
Thats enough repition for today :-) ....
//Simmo
Saturday, April 24, 2004
Why can't I get over my fears. If I wasn't afraid things would be so much easier.
Not saying things can say something too.
Yesterday, before school, I went to the Caf, and Zea was there. I walked over to see that Tori was sitting next to Zea. Zea got up and gave me her seat. I sat down and I was thinking about what to say to Tori. It went along the lines of "Everytime I try to speak to you, I can't". And these words were true, I didn't say them, and in a few minutes Tori got up and went to class...
It is so stupid, I like her, I want to know what she thinks of me. But I don't have the guts to even speak to her. I talk to Zea coz I don't like her, and it is easy to speak to her. I don't speak to Tori because I like her, and I am worried of rejection.
"Fears"
Fear of Rejection
vs
Fear of the Unknown.
The fear of rejection is ruling me at the moment,
but it is the fear of the unknown that is pulling me apart.
When I walk up to her,
that is the fear of the unknown driving me,
when I fail to speak to her,
the fear of rejection caused that.
I wish I could tell her what I am thinking,
but no,
I don't,
and I am regretting it.
I guess the reason is that I don't know what to say to her,
and more importantly,
what she will say to me in return.
If she only knew how much it took for me to just walk up to her,
but then it doesn't matter what I do,
it matters what she is going to do in reaction to my actions"
(8:57pm | 23-04-04)
Also on Deviant Art
Also "Blind Love" is another poem that fits into this type of post...
The thing I want the most at the moment is to know what she thinks of me, but my own fears are stopping me from knowing (lol, thinks of donnie darko). But I still believe that everything will work out eventually, and when the time is right I will speak to her. And if things don't work the way I imagined, then they weren't meant to be. But I am still learning, and to end my post, another few poems. lol, all of these things have made me a writer and a poet :P...
"True love
is it but a fairy tail,
as relationships seem doomed to fail?
No one wants to die alone" (10:53pm | 10-04-04)
"I made her feel safe,
I made her feel happy,
I was everything she wanted at one time.
and now it is over.
I want a girl to want me,
I want her to feel happy because of me,
and because she would be happy,
so would I" (8:40pm | 23-04-04)
///Simmo 11:29am
Not saying things can say something too.
Yesterday, before school, I went to the Caf, and Zea was there. I walked over to see that Tori was sitting next to Zea. Zea got up and gave me her seat. I sat down and I was thinking about what to say to Tori. It went along the lines of "Everytime I try to speak to you, I can't". And these words were true, I didn't say them, and in a few minutes Tori got up and went to class...
It is so stupid, I like her, I want to know what she thinks of me. But I don't have the guts to even speak to her. I talk to Zea coz I don't like her, and it is easy to speak to her. I don't speak to Tori because I like her, and I am worried of rejection.
"Fears"
Fear of Rejection
vs
Fear of the Unknown.
The fear of rejection is ruling me at the moment,
but it is the fear of the unknown that is pulling me apart.
When I walk up to her,
that is the fear of the unknown driving me,
when I fail to speak to her,
the fear of rejection caused that.
I wish I could tell her what I am thinking,
but no,
I don't,
and I am regretting it.
I guess the reason is that I don't know what to say to her,
and more importantly,
what she will say to me in return.
If she only knew how much it took for me to just walk up to her,
but then it doesn't matter what I do,
it matters what she is going to do in reaction to my actions"
(8:57pm | 23-04-04)
Also on Deviant Art
Also "Blind Love" is another poem that fits into this type of post...
The thing I want the most at the moment is to know what she thinks of me, but my own fears are stopping me from knowing (lol, thinks of donnie darko). But I still believe that everything will work out eventually, and when the time is right I will speak to her. And if things don't work the way I imagined, then they weren't meant to be. But I am still learning, and to end my post, another few poems. lol, all of these things have made me a writer and a poet :P...
"True love
is it but a fairy tail,
as relationships seem doomed to fail?
No one wants to die alone" (10:53pm | 10-04-04)
"I made her feel safe,
I made her feel happy,
I was everything she wanted at one time.
and now it is over.
I want a girl to want me,
I want her to feel happy because of me,
and because she would be happy,
so would I" (8:40pm | 23-04-04)
///Simmo 11:29am
Friday, April 23, 2004
"what would you do if you werent afraid?"That is the question that I keep on asking myself over and over again. How would my life be if I did'nt take risks. But I have concluded that people are afraid for reasons. Its all about perceived risk, and this perception is based on a persons experiences throughout life. For whatever reasons, someone experienced something negative, and thta means that the person will not want to repeat that mistake again. Some of us have lots of negative experiences and we discover lots of ways of blocking the dangers the world may have. But as a result these people do not grow. There is a point at which you have to change to survive. My catalyst was "the wall", and I think overall it has made me a more mature and sociable person. There are times where I do not like the way I was before the wall. And I could almost see why they wanted to bully me. But I am no longer that person, it also helps that the people around me have grown more mature too. In the end it is not "one thing" that changes a person it is everything.
If I wasnt the shy person that I was for most of my life, I wouldnt be the person I am today. I wouldnt have the friends I have, I wouldnt like the same things, I wouldnt have had the same relationships. I wouldnt have been me.
But even though I talk more, I am still afraid. I still hold back. I still think too much about the risks of things. And the worst thing is, that when I do throw caution to the wind, I get burned.
//Simmo
If I wasnt the shy person that I was for most of my life, I wouldnt be the person I am today. I wouldnt have the friends I have, I wouldnt like the same things, I wouldnt have had the same relationships. I wouldnt have been me.
But even though I talk more, I am still afraid. I still hold back. I still think too much about the risks of things. And the worst thing is, that when I do throw caution to the wind, I get burned.
//Simmo
Strange things happen on strange days.
Yesturday went the way all days have been going recently.
I got to school early, with the possiblility of seeing Tori, and also coz I am too lazy to take the bus later on. I typed up my recent Deviation [link]. And Posted it as a romantic teen poem. Unfortunately they have taken out the emotional poems topic! That means I have no topic to post under. Some may fit under the "poem>romantic>teens" topic, but not all my Deviations are like that. Oh well, I guess they are all Misc then.
We went to communications, borging once again.
Then during break I saw Zea (not sure of the spelling) again. She is nice to talk to, oh how I wish I could just have conversation with Tori like it. I was somehow comfortable speaking to Zea, I dont know why. And just if you are wondering, she has a boyfriend. And anyways, I don't want to go out with her. No reason needed.
She got my number, probably to give it to Tori or something.
Web Design was boring, as usual. I finished at 4pm. And I was told that someone rang the house phone. (see a big problem about no job is that I need a job for a mobile phone. So no job=no phone :-( ... ). all my mum could say was that it was a girl and that girl didnt say who she was, and said she would ring back later. See the interesting thing is, that if it was any of my friends they would have left their name; Megan, Bea, Julie, etc.
It probably wasn't Zea, coz the description I was given of the caller was of an assertive girl. Zea, is a Quietly spoken polite girl.
The worst thing is that this girl did not ring back. So it is still a mystery to me of to who she actually is, and why she was calling...
Oh well, hopefully this mystery will be solved sooner, rather than later....
///Simmo 8:29am
Yesturday went the way all days have been going recently.
I got to school early, with the possiblility of seeing Tori, and also coz I am too lazy to take the bus later on. I typed up my recent Deviation [link]. And Posted it as a romantic teen poem. Unfortunately they have taken out the emotional poems topic! That means I have no topic to post under. Some may fit under the "poem>romantic>teens" topic, but not all my Deviations are like that. Oh well, I guess they are all Misc then.
We went to communications, borging once again.
Then during break I saw Zea (not sure of the spelling) again. She is nice to talk to, oh how I wish I could just have conversation with Tori like it. I was somehow comfortable speaking to Zea, I dont know why. And just if you are wondering, she has a boyfriend. And anyways, I don't want to go out with her. No reason needed.
She got my number, probably to give it to Tori or something.
Web Design was boring, as usual. I finished at 4pm. And I was told that someone rang the house phone. (see a big problem about no job is that I need a job for a mobile phone. So no job=no phone :-( ... ). all my mum could say was that it was a girl and that girl didnt say who she was, and said she would ring back later. See the interesting thing is, that if it was any of my friends they would have left their name; Megan, Bea, Julie, etc.
It probably wasn't Zea, coz the description I was given of the caller was of an assertive girl. Zea, is a Quietly spoken polite girl.
The worst thing is that this girl did not ring back. So it is still a mystery to me of to who she actually is, and why she was calling...
Oh well, hopefully this mystery will be solved sooner, rather than later....
///Simmo 8:29am
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
I went back to tafe today, it was good to be back. But I am still a chicken, there is still no denying that fact.
Programming was good, we are almost finished Java :-)
Then in the break we did nothing, it was boredom once again. And to make it worse, Tori didn't have a break at that time...
We went into hardware and Anthony went to see a teacher, that is when I saw Tori again. But the fool that I am I didn't speak to her *hits head against wall....Literally* !!!
I know I can't help it, and the fact that I like her makes it even worse, it makes me even more shy. Talking to a friend again, Tori is about as shy as me. And it doesn't seem as if she hates me. The bottom line is that I still haven't spoken to her yet. Another thing, when I am around and they are close she giggles, not in a bad way though. Oh why don't I just speak to her? It would answer so many questions.
And for those that don't know, I have liked Tori from the first time I had seen her. I cant explain it and that is what makes it so great. I just hope things work out for the better.
I wrote the reply to Tasha's email, and then Tasha appeared online. We had a good conversation, and the thing that I have noticed is, that nothing has changed. I was only a friend to Tasha when I was going out with her, and I am only a friend to her now. I listen to what she has to say and add my comment every now and then. I do notice that the feelings have subsided and I am happy about that. Coz it would be weird to be talking to her and to still like her, to still want her back. But luckily things have changed.
"Some things don't change, then again, some things do."
I am glad that I can be friends with her, I would hate never to talk to her again. And I see why she has held back speaking for so long. I don't feel the need to speak to her every day. But every once in a while is all that matters.
//Simmo 8:47pm
Programming was good, we are almost finished Java :-)
Then in the break we did nothing, it was boredom once again. And to make it worse, Tori didn't have a break at that time...
We went into hardware and Anthony went to see a teacher, that is when I saw Tori again. But the fool that I am I didn't speak to her *hits head against wall....Literally* !!!
I know I can't help it, and the fact that I like her makes it even worse, it makes me even more shy. Talking to a friend again, Tori is about as shy as me. And it doesn't seem as if she hates me. The bottom line is that I still haven't spoken to her yet. Another thing, when I am around and they are close she giggles, not in a bad way though. Oh why don't I just speak to her? It would answer so many questions.
And for those that don't know, I have liked Tori from the first time I had seen her. I cant explain it and that is what makes it so great. I just hope things work out for the better.
I wrote the reply to Tasha's email, and then Tasha appeared online. We had a good conversation, and the thing that I have noticed is, that nothing has changed. I was only a friend to Tasha when I was going out with her, and I am only a friend to her now. I listen to what she has to say and add my comment every now and then. I do notice that the feelings have subsided and I am happy about that. Coz it would be weird to be talking to her and to still like her, to still want her back. But luckily things have changed.
"Some things don't change, then again, some things do."
I am glad that I can be friends with her, I would hate never to talk to her again. And I see why she has held back speaking for so long. I don't feel the need to speak to her every day. But every once in a while is all that matters.
//Simmo 8:47pm
Monday, April 19, 2004
Such things happen, and they happen for a reason, but understanding these reasons is the thing I cannot understand.
My emotions can be turned upside down in a matter of seconds.
Tasha wrote me an email last night. And it hit me hard. It was just asking how I was going, but I thought that she didnt want to speak to me anymore... And she cares about keeping my friendship?
I dont know how to take it, I couldn't reply straight away. I had to think, I still havent writen the email yet. But I will write it, I have even thought out what I was going to say. But, yet I am still confused. After 3 months she is talking to me again, but I can see why. I see her point of view...still.
//simmo 5:33pm
My emotions can be turned upside down in a matter of seconds.
Tasha wrote me an email last night. And it hit me hard. It was just asking how I was going, but I thought that she didnt want to speak to me anymore... And she cares about keeping my friendship?
I dont know how to take it, I couldn't reply straight away. I had to think, I still havent writen the email yet. But I will write it, I have even thought out what I was going to say. But, yet I am still confused. After 3 months she is talking to me again, but I can see why. I see her point of view...still.
//simmo 5:33pm
Sunday, April 18, 2004
A party, a good party. Nothing regretted, or at least I hope so.
Amelias 18th birthday party was last night, and just when I think that no one cares abuot me, they prove me wrong. I am not a very out going person, as most of you know. So I naturally feel uncomfotable when going into group situations. With fears of not being accepted, but luckily I am not as shy as I used to be. The fears are quickly put asside and I can enjoy myself.
It has been the first time that I have seen Walldo since he has broken up with Bea. He is now going out with another girl and he is the happiest that I have seen him ever. Its good that he can finally have a worthwhile, productive relationship. I am happy that some people are finding people they can love. But it once again shows how lonely I am.
At one point Megan+Collin, Walldo, and I were just talking, that was the best part of the party to me. The talking, they always help me with my problems, they help me get through it all.
Walldo's Party.
Will's small party was cancelled and relocated to Walldo's place. Since it was on such short notice there was only 8 people at most. I really didnt drink, it wasnt the type of party where I would drink anyway. I just loved talking to my friends. We watched a DVD called "The Crow". It was good, if I ever see it in a store I am sure to buy it.
Will was there, but not Ika, Will is great to talk to, he is yet another person that I love talking to, the things he says are different to what anyone else would say.
We watched some Monty Python, and then some Muse clips. I also brang my USB drive, so I finally got the Golgotha MP3's :-).
I left at 12:15am, I dont like leaving just before it gets good, at the next party Walldo has, I am staying.
//Simmo 5:23pm
Amelias 18th birthday party was last night, and just when I think that no one cares abuot me, they prove me wrong. I am not a very out going person, as most of you know. So I naturally feel uncomfotable when going into group situations. With fears of not being accepted, but luckily I am not as shy as I used to be. The fears are quickly put asside and I can enjoy myself.
It has been the first time that I have seen Walldo since he has broken up with Bea. He is now going out with another girl and he is the happiest that I have seen him ever. Its good that he can finally have a worthwhile, productive relationship. I am happy that some people are finding people they can love. But it once again shows how lonely I am.
At one point Megan+Collin, Walldo, and I were just talking, that was the best part of the party to me. The talking, they always help me with my problems, they help me get through it all.
Walldo's Party.
Will's small party was cancelled and relocated to Walldo's place. Since it was on such short notice there was only 8 people at most. I really didnt drink, it wasnt the type of party where I would drink anyway. I just loved talking to my friends. We watched a DVD called "The Crow". It was good, if I ever see it in a store I am sure to buy it.
Will was there, but not Ika, Will is great to talk to, he is yet another person that I love talking to, the things he says are different to what anyone else would say.
We watched some Monty Python, and then some Muse clips. I also brang my USB drive, so I finally got the Golgotha MP3's :-).
I left at 12:15am, I dont like leaving just before it gets good, at the next party Walldo has, I am staying.
//Simmo 5:23pm
Thursday, April 15, 2004
The best poems seem to come at night. This is another one of them, a weak attempt at ryhming, but not half bad.
"I am always longing,
I have no sense of belonging,
I want to love is that so wrong?
Why do I have to wait so long?
Until I find my one, my only." 12:18 | 15-04-04
It is a truly cruel world that allows a person a taste of life, and yet denies them the true experience. I feel cheated, lonely, but not angry. I am happy that the people around me are in love, you can see the ones that will stay together for a long time to come. And then I think of the couples that have ended, and wonder the pain that they are going through; the vast array of emotions they must be feeling. What I have been going through is paled by their torment. And then there is going outside, going to crowded places taunts me; all the happy couples, as if showing what I cannot have. It seems that the very air is chocking me at these times. But the pain of loss will not deter me from the search, not that I am trying to hard. I still have the belief, that all things happen for a reason, good or bad it was ment to happen.
The eww factor, Will made me remeber an article I posted many months ago. It was about how women that have no interest in a man will instantly be turned off by what this man does. Meaning that any attempt at trying to get her attention, or gain her love, will only push her further away. I only hope that it is not what is happening with me and Tori. I dont know much, so I cannot assume much. This make me assume everything without cause, and that certainly doesn't do anyone any good.
Now seems as good a time as any to stop typing...
//Simmo 3:19pm
"I am always longing,
I have no sense of belonging,
I want to love is that so wrong?
Why do I have to wait so long?
Until I find my one, my only." 12:18 | 15-04-04
It is a truly cruel world that allows a person a taste of life, and yet denies them the true experience. I feel cheated, lonely, but not angry. I am happy that the people around me are in love, you can see the ones that will stay together for a long time to come. And then I think of the couples that have ended, and wonder the pain that they are going through; the vast array of emotions they must be feeling. What I have been going through is paled by their torment. And then there is going outside, going to crowded places taunts me; all the happy couples, as if showing what I cannot have. It seems that the very air is chocking me at these times. But the pain of loss will not deter me from the search, not that I am trying to hard. I still have the belief, that all things happen for a reason, good or bad it was ment to happen.
The eww factor, Will made me remeber an article I posted many months ago. It was about how women that have no interest in a man will instantly be turned off by what this man does. Meaning that any attempt at trying to get her attention, or gain her love, will only push her further away. I only hope that it is not what is happening with me and Tori. I dont know much, so I cannot assume much. This make me assume everything without cause, and that certainly doesn't do anyone any good.
Now seems as good a time as any to stop typing...
//Simmo 3:19pm
Monday, April 12, 2004
I was a gentleman, I am a gentleman, there are sometimes when I expose everything to this blog, and there are sometimes that I think of divulging everything. I began this blog with the idea of exposing my deepest and my most personal memories, and now that I think about it, I do not want to divulge them to anything, I dont want to acknowledge them, even to myself. Why am I telling this, I dont know. But I have become very attached to my blogs, they are an escape from the chaos that exists in this world. I post my deepest fears as if they are sent off into the wind, a release. I am not putting them on paper and hiding them under my bed, for nothing to see.
My writing has evolved, from being a record of the days events to something deeper. And from that point I am almost refining or redefining the way in which I write. My greatest strength is also my biggest weakness. I write my emotions, my deepest feelings, and the way in which I do that is to write from the pools of m consciousness. I never know what I am going to end up writing, I only have a mood to go on. There is no structure, and for the most part, no proof reading. I hardly ever write when I am connected to the net, I always put my blogs into individual notepad documents. Why have something as simple as text take up something as complicated as word. This makes all of my blog to date less than 2MB.
Getting back on track. The best writing comes from when I am completely relaxed and it seems as if I have all of the time in the world. This is not one of these times and as a result my writing is of a lesser quality.
Here is a quote that begins the "Who moved my Cheese", a part of it is part of my msn signin name, and someone asked about it...
"Life is no straight and easy corridor along
which we travel free and unhampered,
but a maze of passages,
through which we must seek our way,
lost and confused, now and again
checked in a blind alley.
But always, if we have faith,
a door will open for us,
not perhaps one that we ourselves
would ever have thought of,
but one that will ultimately
prove good for us." -A.J. Cronin
//Simmo
My writing has evolved, from being a record of the days events to something deeper. And from that point I am almost refining or redefining the way in which I write. My greatest strength is also my biggest weakness. I write my emotions, my deepest feelings, and the way in which I do that is to write from the pools of m consciousness. I never know what I am going to end up writing, I only have a mood to go on. There is no structure, and for the most part, no proof reading. I hardly ever write when I am connected to the net, I always put my blogs into individual notepad documents. Why have something as simple as text take up something as complicated as word. This makes all of my blog to date less than 2MB.
Getting back on track. The best writing comes from when I am completely relaxed and it seems as if I have all of the time in the world. This is not one of these times and as a result my writing is of a lesser quality.
Here is a quote that begins the "Who moved my Cheese", a part of it is part of my msn signin name, and someone asked about it...
"Life is no straight and easy corridor along
which we travel free and unhampered,
but a maze of passages,
through which we must seek our way,
lost and confused, now and again
checked in a blind alley.
But always, if we have faith,
a door will open for us,
not perhaps one that we ourselves
would ever have thought of,
but one that will ultimately
prove good for us." -A.J. Cronin
//Simmo
Saturday, April 10, 2004
I worry, I worry that I will never experience what I did with Tasha ever again. I know that everything and more will happen eventually, but that doesnt help me at the moment.
A comment of "Tasha was so pretty" just made me remember how lucky I was to have her, and how unlucky I am now. (Dont worry Nashua anything can make me remember things, thats why I write so many blogs :P )
I just miss everything about Tasha, to look at her, hold her hand, listen to her voice. I know it was a relationshop where not much happened, but it doesnt mean that it didnt mean a lot to me. And however little I experienced, I still appreciated it, and want it again (although obviously with someone new).
And now that I have this "little crush" on Tori, it is just making myself feel for uncomfortable about myself or should I say insecure?
I knew this would happen, if I dont have validation on something I take it to the extremes, as I said in one of my earlier posts. I would much rather know anything, good or bad, at least it is better than thinking of something that is a fabrication of my own imagination.
But yet I stil write :P lol. And I write to get things out in the open, I do not wish to bottle things up like I did when I was younger. I like it when people read my diary and give me feedback, but it is not the main reason for my writing, I write for myself, and I hardly ever think of other people reading it when I am writing it. There were a great number of things that were never posted coz I didn't want people to read it. But I still wrote it down, and it still helped me.
I like it now, I can write what ever I want and I know that the person I like will not read it.
And now I am rambling, so I will stop typing :-) I just hope it all made sense...
///Simmo
A comment of "Tasha was so pretty" just made me remember how lucky I was to have her, and how unlucky I am now. (Dont worry Nashua anything can make me remember things, thats why I write so many blogs :P )
I just miss everything about Tasha, to look at her, hold her hand, listen to her voice. I know it was a relationshop where not much happened, but it doesnt mean that it didnt mean a lot to me. And however little I experienced, I still appreciated it, and want it again (although obviously with someone new).
And now that I have this "little crush" on Tori, it is just making myself feel for uncomfortable about myself or should I say insecure?
I knew this would happen, if I dont have validation on something I take it to the extremes, as I said in one of my earlier posts. I would much rather know anything, good or bad, at least it is better than thinking of something that is a fabrication of my own imagination.
But yet I stil write :P lol. And I write to get things out in the open, I do not wish to bottle things up like I did when I was younger. I like it when people read my diary and give me feedback, but it is not the main reason for my writing, I write for myself, and I hardly ever think of other people reading it when I am writing it. There were a great number of things that were never posted coz I didn't want people to read it. But I still wrote it down, and it still helped me.
I like it now, I can write what ever I want and I know that the person I like will not read it.
And now I am rambling, so I will stop typing :-) I just hope it all made sense...
///Simmo
Dreams are wierd, and for the first time in a long while I remember this one vividly...
I dont remember it all though...
There was a whole pointless thing about school and class, but then after class Tori walks past I apologise is she was upset by anything I had done and she says that she should have told me sooner, that she has a boyfriend. I think I hug her and when she walks away I say "Ring me when it doesnt work out", the wierdest thing is that I felt happy about it all in my dream. If that was to happen in real life I would be crushed in some way.
That't it, and I am surprised that I can remember that, I usually forget my dreams before I even wake up, and I hardly ever have a dream that has importance to my life atm. Maybe it is because I was talking to a whole group of people on msn (Will, Ika, and Nashua), and that was the last thing I was thinking about when I was going to sleep. My mind was playing out what I was thinking about all day, it showed me thte worst case scenario and I was happy? As I said at the beginning, wierd dreams...
Or I just had a horrible thought, what if I wasnt talking to Tori in my dreams? maybe Tasha? Probably not, I am sure it was Tori...
//Simmo
I dont remember it all though...
There was a whole pointless thing about school and class, but then after class Tori walks past I apologise is she was upset by anything I had done and she says that she should have told me sooner, that she has a boyfriend. I think I hug her and when she walks away I say "Ring me when it doesnt work out", the wierdest thing is that I felt happy about it all in my dream. If that was to happen in real life I would be crushed in some way.
That't it, and I am surprised that I can remember that, I usually forget my dreams before I even wake up, and I hardly ever have a dream that has importance to my life atm. Maybe it is because I was talking to a whole group of people on msn (Will, Ika, and Nashua), and that was the last thing I was thinking about when I was going to sleep. My mind was playing out what I was thinking about all day, it showed me thte worst case scenario and I was happy? As I said at the beginning, wierd dreams...
Or I just had a horrible thought, what if I wasnt talking to Tori in my dreams? maybe Tasha? Probably not, I am sure it was Tori...
//Simmo
Friday, April 09, 2004
I am never too sure what women think, and I don't understand them very well, like every other guy in ther world. And it is even harder to understand a woman that you hardly know.
This is not a good thing for me, I have a whole week to overanalyse an ambiguous situation. And I can't stop myself. I have a bad habit of discussing a problem before actually showing it don't I? If it makes you want to keep reading, then there isn't a problem.
Yesterday was the last day of term 1, and we only have one weeks holidays :-( . Anyways before starting we were just waiting. And Tori and one of her friends walks past, I gained the courage to get up and go up and speak to her. I say hello, and some stupid comment that they wouldnt care about (can't help it), then another one of her friends that I haven't been introduced to yet introduces herself, her name is Z and she is a quitely spoken well mannered girl, reminds me alot of Lukas. For some reason why I am speaking to Z ,Tori used this oppertunity to "run away". This is the part I do not understand, was she scared or embarrassed? I have no idea and the worst thing is that I wont know for another week!
I just want to talk to her, that's not wrong is it? I'm not asking for any more than she is willing to give. If she wants friendship, I would be happy, and if she offers more than I would be even happier. And if she doesn't want to know me at all, I cant accept that too. I just want to know, not knowing is the worst thing in the world, it makes my mind wander and think up every possible situation. And I don't want to do that.
I know the decision is up to her, but I still want to know. Not being told, I just want to know.
I seem to be harping on a point, but if that is what's on my mind, then that is what I am going to type.
The one good thing about this is no matter what happens with Tori, it is still helping me get over Tasha, instead of writing depressive posts about love lost, I am writing optimistic posts about what love I can gain.
That said, I am not going to use my next girlfriend(whoever she is) as a way of getting over Tasha, in the end I think that the next relationship will be great because it is going to be better than the last. In a very crude way, relationships are all learning experiences, and in the end I will find someone and do everything right and spend the rest of my life with her...
To end this post this is a poem I wrote shortly after yet another failed attempt of trying to talk to Tori, I had my notebook with me on this day, which was very convinient...
"Did I do something wrong?
I don't know what to do next,
I'm afraid,
If it does not work out then fine,
but why does she run?
Is she embarrassed?
Is she scared?
I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable,
I just want to know" (11:20am | 07-04-04)
//Simmo
This is not a good thing for me, I have a whole week to overanalyse an ambiguous situation. And I can't stop myself. I have a bad habit of discussing a problem before actually showing it don't I? If it makes you want to keep reading, then there isn't a problem.
Yesterday was the last day of term 1, and we only have one weeks holidays :-( . Anyways before starting we were just waiting. And Tori and one of her friends walks past, I gained the courage to get up and go up and speak to her. I say hello, and some stupid comment that they wouldnt care about (can't help it), then another one of her friends that I haven't been introduced to yet introduces herself, her name is Z and she is a quitely spoken well mannered girl, reminds me alot of Lukas. For some reason why I am speaking to Z ,Tori used this oppertunity to "run away". This is the part I do not understand, was she scared or embarrassed? I have no idea and the worst thing is that I wont know for another week!
I just want to talk to her, that's not wrong is it? I'm not asking for any more than she is willing to give. If she wants friendship, I would be happy, and if she offers more than I would be even happier. And if she doesn't want to know me at all, I cant accept that too. I just want to know, not knowing is the worst thing in the world, it makes my mind wander and think up every possible situation. And I don't want to do that.
I know the decision is up to her, but I still want to know. Not being told, I just want to know.
I seem to be harping on a point, but if that is what's on my mind, then that is what I am going to type.
The one good thing about this is no matter what happens with Tori, it is still helping me get over Tasha, instead of writing depressive posts about love lost, I am writing optimistic posts about what love I can gain.
That said, I am not going to use my next girlfriend(whoever she is) as a way of getting over Tasha, in the end I think that the next relationship will be great because it is going to be better than the last. In a very crude way, relationships are all learning experiences, and in the end I will find someone and do everything right and spend the rest of my life with her...
To end this post this is a poem I wrote shortly after yet another failed attempt of trying to talk to Tori, I had my notebook with me on this day, which was very convinient...
"Did I do something wrong?
I don't know what to do next,
I'm afraid,
If it does not work out then fine,
but why does she run?
Is she embarrassed?
Is she scared?
I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable,
I just want to know" (11:20am | 07-04-04)
//Simmo
Wednesday, April 07, 2004
Just some poems, some have been posted on my deviant art site...
"Pre"
I like her,
does she like me?
do I?
I wish I weren’t afraid,
I wish I could walk up to her,
and tell her how I feel,
but I cannot,
and I don’t like that I can't,
I want to be happy,
I'm just afraid it wont be this time"
"The thing I didn’t understand before is that every person brings a certain baggage to the relationship"
"Before, I was blinded to what was really happening,
naive,
but now it is I who is searching,
and I hope that will help me make a better decision in the end,
for I am no longer blinded by that fact of attraction,
and I will instead listen to my own heart."
"It is so silly I haven’t even talked to her yet,
and yet I am making witty poems already"
"I wanna get to know her more,
from what I hear,
she is just as shy as me,
it doesn’t mean she has to like me back,
I guess it doesn’t help that I haven’t asked.
Conversation is the key,
I just have to gain the courage to talk,
and when I do, I wont be sorry,
coz either way,
it will be better than not knowing,
and living this fantasy that will never come true."
"Time,
ever changing,
ever moving,
I cant stop it,
no matter how hard I try,
I just have to go with the flow,
and hope that things will work out the way
I visioned them to" 11:53 02-04-04
"My thoughts are now occupied by hope (Tori) replacing fear and sadness (Tasha)" 8:26am |07-04-04
Is love blind?
Can it work without a set path ?
Can I love without consequence?
Impulse is the root of desire,
and cannot be controlled.
Love at first sight?
Maybe, or at least I hope so.
No matter what is to happen,
I am ever changing,
ever learning,
striving towards that unobtainable goal,
and one day I will be at the finish line,
without even knowing it,
6 months, 2 years, 10 years,
no matter what it takes,
and how many wrong turns I make,
they will all contribute,
to the man I am going to be" 10:48pm | 06-04-04
Tori, will you be mine?
and yours in return?
Will I be hugged,
and kissed,
and caressed?
How I long for it,
wish for it,
crave for it,
will it work?
will it fail?
or will it crash and burn? 10:55pm | 06-04-04
A look,
a smile,
a crush,
a conversation,
a movie,
a touch,
a kiss? No.
A relationship,
hugs,
conversations,
meetings,
The talk,
"What is wrong?
was it me, or you?
in the end noone is to blame,
it just wan't ment to be,
or at least that is what they keep telling me."
sadness,
depression,
conprehension,
acception,
fear (of being alone),
anger,
longing,
sadness,
emptyness,
nothing. 11:30pm | 06-04-04
The way that I felt, still feel towards Tasha though I am nolonger in this state of relextion for the most part. I sometimes revisit all of these emotions/memories.
The title "tears that never come". Not once do I mention tears as an emotion. Sadness, depression, fear, but I never cried. I was empty. I have always had the idea that tears clense the soul and instead of makign me feel worse, tears make me feel better, coz I am "letting it all out".
I guess I havent cried coz I am expressing myself in different ways. "From destruction, comes creation". A relaionship is just what I needed to start writing. I never really was much of a writer, until I started going out with Tasha. I can write more than despair, but until somthingdrags me out I will stick to it.
I needed a long description coz I didnt really have much in the poem, it didnt explain itself very well, That and I felt like writing more :)
11:44pm | 06-04-04
"Pre"
I like her,
does she like me?
do I?
I wish I weren’t afraid,
I wish I could walk up to her,
and tell her how I feel,
but I cannot,
and I don’t like that I can't,
I want to be happy,
I'm just afraid it wont be this time"
"The thing I didn’t understand before is that every person brings a certain baggage to the relationship"
"Before, I was blinded to what was really happening,
naive,
but now it is I who is searching,
and I hope that will help me make a better decision in the end,
for I am no longer blinded by that fact of attraction,
and I will instead listen to my own heart."
"It is so silly I haven’t even talked to her yet,
and yet I am making witty poems already"
"I wanna get to know her more,
from what I hear,
she is just as shy as me,
it doesn’t mean she has to like me back,
I guess it doesn’t help that I haven’t asked.
Conversation is the key,
I just have to gain the courage to talk,
and when I do, I wont be sorry,
coz either way,
it will be better than not knowing,
and living this fantasy that will never come true."
"Time,
ever changing,
ever moving,
I cant stop it,
no matter how hard I try,
I just have to go with the flow,
and hope that things will work out the way
I visioned them to" 11:53 02-04-04
"My thoughts are now occupied by hope (Tori) replacing fear and sadness (Tasha)" 8:26am |07-04-04
Is love blind?
Can it work without a set path ?
Can I love without consequence?
Impulse is the root of desire,
and cannot be controlled.
Love at first sight?
Maybe, or at least I hope so.
No matter what is to happen,
I am ever changing,
ever learning,
striving towards that unobtainable goal,
and one day I will be at the finish line,
without even knowing it,
6 months, 2 years, 10 years,
no matter what it takes,
and how many wrong turns I make,
they will all contribute,
to the man I am going to be" 10:48pm | 06-04-04
Tori, will you be mine?
and yours in return?
Will I be hugged,
and kissed,
and caressed?
How I long for it,
wish for it,
crave for it,
will it work?
will it fail?
or will it crash and burn? 10:55pm | 06-04-04
A look,
a smile,
a crush,
a conversation,
a movie,
a touch,
a kiss? No.
A relationship,
hugs,
conversations,
meetings,
The talk,
"What is wrong?
was it me, or you?
in the end noone is to blame,
it just wan't ment to be,
or at least that is what they keep telling me."
sadness,
depression,
conprehension,
acception,
fear (of being alone),
anger,
longing,
sadness,
emptyness,
nothing. 11:30pm | 06-04-04
The way that I felt, still feel towards Tasha though I am nolonger in this state of relextion for the most part. I sometimes revisit all of these emotions/memories.
The title "tears that never come". Not once do I mention tears as an emotion. Sadness, depression, fear, but I never cried. I was empty. I have always had the idea that tears clense the soul and instead of makign me feel worse, tears make me feel better, coz I am "letting it all out".
I guess I havent cried coz I am expressing myself in different ways. "From destruction, comes creation". A relaionship is just what I needed to start writing. I never really was much of a writer, until I started going out with Tasha. I can write more than despair, but until somthingdrags me out I will stick to it.
I needed a long description coz I didnt really have much in the poem, it didnt explain itself very well, That and I felt like writing more :)
11:44pm | 06-04-04
Thursday, April 01, 2004
Where to start, I havent written as much as I wish I could have. It is a combination of a number of things; not having the time to write it, not being in the mood to write when I do have the time, oh and that it is sometimes a task to make sense of what is going on in my mind.
My mind in recent has been playing tricks on me, I think. I dont know why, nor do I want to be 'seeing' Tasha everywhere. It is a cruel and unusual torture to be reminded of these things that I do not wish to remember.
I guess over analyising things is both a good and bad thing. Of course I think about the simple facts for far too long. But then again I gained much wisdom from such an obviously short relationship. I do not know all, I only know what I have experienced.
I talked about IF's in my last posts, sometimes when I post I do not check what I am typing, but on reflection I noticed it. I am scared, and IF's do not just exist in the past, but also the present and the future. I know that IF's are usless when thinking about the past, and they can be equally as damaging in the here and now. I think too much, but that is natural, especially since I have been hurt, and it is totally understandable for me to be on guard.
I dont want to be hurt again. But then again I dont want to live in fear and never have the chance to love (lol, sounding like Donnie Darko).
I want to love, and for it to be returned. Also as someone said to me, once you Love someone, the pain that I would feel when it ends is worse than how I am feeling now.
Thinking about it, isnt the majority of relationships destined to fail?
It is a cruel fact that most people choose to ignore, and I do not blame them. To live in the ignorance that it could last forever would feel amazing. Only problem the pain of loosing that person would be as painful as it is unexpected.
Talking pessimistic is something that I am doing more often at the moment. It shows just how I am feeling at the moment. 10:30am
And the mood changes...
A friend of mine did something that I would never do. He walked up to Tori and said that I have a crush on her. I hope that her reaction was good, girls arent the easiest to read. We still havent talked much, but then again, it takes a while for me to open up, especially to the people that I like. But she seems alot like me; she is comfortable around people that she knows and from what I hear, she is reluctant to talk to people she likes aswell.
My friend is not going to push it anymore, all I can do right now is wait. And maybe next time, I will ask her for her number. I hope that she understands how much it would take for me to ask. Oh, how I do hope that she likes me, the more I learn about her, the more I want to know about her.
I want to talk her and have great conversations with her.
Is it me that deny's myself the chances, I have always assumed that noone would ever like me, and in a sense I thought of myself as ugly, so why would any girl want to like me. But I am beginning to understand that maybe I am not as bad as I think that I am. And yet, I still cant see myself being with somone. If I look young, than maybe I look too young, she is already at least 2 years older than me.
I know I say this a lot, but it just reflects how much I think about it. I want Love, all types of it. I am tired of missing out on the things life has to offer.
Maybe I am not letting myself think off the future to protect myself. If I start to think about what going out with Tori would be like, then I open up my heart to pain. I would be raising my hopes to a thing that may not happen. Not that I am not trying, just I wont be too hurt if she says she doesnt like me. I will still be crushed mind you, but it would have been far worse if I had gone off with the idea that we could be "The happiest little couple" in a few weeks...
I am beginning to know mysself even more, I know that the first two or 3 times I semi talk to a girl I like, I am dead in the water, but if given the chance I am sure that I can strike a good conversation with Tori.
(Just an add-on, it is wierd that this girl has the same name as my sister, I am just glad that her nickname isnt Toria, though if I do write that it doesnt mean I am talking about my sister either...)
5:12pm
Geeze I rant alot. Two rants in one day, that doesnt happen very often. It's not often that I have two things that I am very passionate about either.
///Simmo
My mind in recent has been playing tricks on me, I think. I dont know why, nor do I want to be 'seeing' Tasha everywhere. It is a cruel and unusual torture to be reminded of these things that I do not wish to remember.
I guess over analyising things is both a good and bad thing. Of course I think about the simple facts for far too long. But then again I gained much wisdom from such an obviously short relationship. I do not know all, I only know what I have experienced.
I talked about IF's in my last posts, sometimes when I post I do not check what I am typing, but on reflection I noticed it. I am scared, and IF's do not just exist in the past, but also the present and the future. I know that IF's are usless when thinking about the past, and they can be equally as damaging in the here and now. I think too much, but that is natural, especially since I have been hurt, and it is totally understandable for me to be on guard.
I dont want to be hurt again. But then again I dont want to live in fear and never have the chance to love (lol, sounding like Donnie Darko).
I want to love, and for it to be returned. Also as someone said to me, once you Love someone, the pain that I would feel when it ends is worse than how I am feeling now.
Thinking about it, isnt the majority of relationships destined to fail?
It is a cruel fact that most people choose to ignore, and I do not blame them. To live in the ignorance that it could last forever would feel amazing. Only problem the pain of loosing that person would be as painful as it is unexpected.
Talking pessimistic is something that I am doing more often at the moment. It shows just how I am feeling at the moment. 10:30am
And the mood changes...
A friend of mine did something that I would never do. He walked up to Tori and said that I have a crush on her. I hope that her reaction was good, girls arent the easiest to read. We still havent talked much, but then again, it takes a while for me to open up, especially to the people that I like. But she seems alot like me; she is comfortable around people that she knows and from what I hear, she is reluctant to talk to people she likes aswell.
My friend is not going to push it anymore, all I can do right now is wait. And maybe next time, I will ask her for her number. I hope that she understands how much it would take for me to ask. Oh, how I do hope that she likes me, the more I learn about her, the more I want to know about her.
I want to talk her and have great conversations with her.
Is it me that deny's myself the chances, I have always assumed that noone would ever like me, and in a sense I thought of myself as ugly, so why would any girl want to like me. But I am beginning to understand that maybe I am not as bad as I think that I am. And yet, I still cant see myself being with somone. If I look young, than maybe I look too young, she is already at least 2 years older than me.
I know I say this a lot, but it just reflects how much I think about it. I want Love, all types of it. I am tired of missing out on the things life has to offer.
Maybe I am not letting myself think off the future to protect myself. If I start to think about what going out with Tori would be like, then I open up my heart to pain. I would be raising my hopes to a thing that may not happen. Not that I am not trying, just I wont be too hurt if she says she doesnt like me. I will still be crushed mind you, but it would have been far worse if I had gone off with the idea that we could be "The happiest little couple" in a few weeks...
I am beginning to know mysself even more, I know that the first two or 3 times I semi talk to a girl I like, I am dead in the water, but if given the chance I am sure that I can strike a good conversation with Tori.
(Just an add-on, it is wierd that this girl has the same name as my sister, I am just glad that her nickname isnt Toria, though if I do write that it doesnt mean I am talking about my sister either...)
5:12pm
Geeze I rant alot. Two rants in one day, that doesnt happen very often. It's not often that I have two things that I am very passionate about either.
///Simmo
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