Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Sorry I havent been posting for a while. Its mainly coz nothing has been happening. I am getting my wisdom teeth removed on Friday, So I Am not sure if I will be well enough to be on the net. Amazing, I never thought antything could :)
I will probably post a good big entry as soon as a I possibly can.
In the meantime remember to visit http://simmo.deviantart.com
see ya
//Simmo 11:20pm
I will probably post a good big entry as soon as a I possibly can.
In the meantime remember to visit http://simmo.deviantart.com
see ya
//Simmo 11:20pm
Monday, June 14, 2004
Sunday night was Will's Party. It was a great party, the main reason for me going is to catch up with my friends. Friends that I see far too little of. Daniel was there, the youngest of them all, but also the one that drinks the most. He is good, pity he lives in Colac. Will's sister was there too, Erin. She was good, I treated her like I would treat my sister.
I also found out that my new way of being nice, is backfiring. I was being nice to a girl (tristen) at a party a week ago, and maybe coz i was drunk the message got a bit distorted. All I wanna do is meet new people and be friendly. I know I dont have any chance of "picking up" so, have given that up entirely. I dont know when I am gonna meet 'the person', but in the meantime, I do not want to intentionally hurt people. I dont want to hurt anyone, or make them feel uncomfortable when I am around them. It's starting to go back to the whole "what do people think of me" argument. I want to be myself, but what if people dont like the "exposed me"? I mean that in the sense that I am being myself and not being fake.
Instead of keeping on writting this for another 2 paragraphs I will sum it up. I wanna be myself, but how can I be comfortable doing that when the people around me are not? I wanna talk to people and just be generally friendly to them, but should I not bother if they are gonna get the wrong message? It is not my purpose to hurt people, if I do, I question what I am doing wrong. But what if I am doing nothing wrong, and this is me? A person who is hurting everyone around him?
I am wondering if passion pops taste crap (to me) or are just plain crap. I had a bottle last night, but only drank less than half. I will just buy the normal stuff that I drink next time.Oh and it decided to rain at 12am on the dot, and it hasn't stopped since.
As I said, I went to this party to hang out with my friends. I played chess with Julie, and she won :D I didn't even know what I was doing. It didn't help that I was told about Tristen thing half way through the game. Megan and Collin were there too, she is having a party soon too. I kinda wish they were spaced apart a bit more, but then it really doesnt matter when, it just matters that they are happening :-)
I left at 12:30am, when the party was drawing to a close.
If I didn't say it enough, I will say it again. Thankyou Will.
//Simmo
I also found out that my new way of being nice, is backfiring. I was being nice to a girl (tristen) at a party a week ago, and maybe coz i was drunk the message got a bit distorted. All I wanna do is meet new people and be friendly. I know I dont have any chance of "picking up" so, have given that up entirely. I dont know when I am gonna meet 'the person', but in the meantime, I do not want to intentionally hurt people. I dont want to hurt anyone, or make them feel uncomfortable when I am around them. It's starting to go back to the whole "what do people think of me" argument. I want to be myself, but what if people dont like the "exposed me"? I mean that in the sense that I am being myself and not being fake.
Instead of keeping on writting this for another 2 paragraphs I will sum it up. I wanna be myself, but how can I be comfortable doing that when the people around me are not? I wanna talk to people and just be generally friendly to them, but should I not bother if they are gonna get the wrong message? It is not my purpose to hurt people, if I do, I question what I am doing wrong. But what if I am doing nothing wrong, and this is me? A person who is hurting everyone around him?
I am wondering if passion pops taste crap (to me) or are just plain crap. I had a bottle last night, but only drank less than half. I will just buy the normal stuff that I drink next time.Oh and it decided to rain at 12am on the dot, and it hasn't stopped since.
As I said, I went to this party to hang out with my friends. I played chess with Julie, and she won :D I didn't even know what I was doing. It didn't help that I was told about Tristen thing half way through the game. Megan and Collin were there too, she is having a party soon too. I kinda wish they were spaced apart a bit more, but then it really doesnt matter when, it just matters that they are happening :-)
I left at 12:30am, when the party was drawing to a close.
If I didn't say it enough, I will say it again. Thankyou Will.
//Simmo
Saturday, June 12, 2004
I am almost glad that holidays are happening soon, but again, I am worried. Worried that once again I will spend the time alone and depressed. And I hae being depressed. It doesnt do me any good, it doesnt do anyone any good, and it doesnt do my cause any good.
Yesturday Tori acted slighly interested again, and today I yet again did not talk to her. I have given up on her a long time ago, and I dont know why I cant let go. I am just glad that I didnt see Tasha when we broke up, if this is how I cope with a simple crush. The strange thing is that Tori finshed classes today at 12pm and yet she was still around at 1pm when I had my break, and left shortly afterwards.
I would like to say that I dont care anymore, but I would be lying to you and I would be lying to myself. I know there is no chance, but why doesnt my heart understand it.
I actually talked to Wendy again today, in computer hardware. She has been so quiet for the whole course and I have only just now begun to take the chance to talk to her.
I dont know if I have written this before, but the more I talk to her, the more I see Tasha in her. And now, to make sure that you understand this completely, I am not interested in her enough to have a crush on her. Of course I want to be friends with her, but I don't have that 'instant attraction' to her The funniest thing of all is that she thought that no one in the subject liked her, it's just that she never talked. And I know what I am like, when I am on my own, I usually don't like to be talked to.
A nice little post once again summing up the confusions which exist in my head, and I still have no idea what to do to organise it all. The writting isnt working as it usual is.
//Simmo
6:35pm | 11-06-04
Yesturday Tori acted slighly interested again, and today I yet again did not talk to her. I have given up on her a long time ago, and I dont know why I cant let go. I am just glad that I didnt see Tasha when we broke up, if this is how I cope with a simple crush. The strange thing is that Tori finshed classes today at 12pm and yet she was still around at 1pm when I had my break, and left shortly afterwards.
I would like to say that I dont care anymore, but I would be lying to you and I would be lying to myself. I know there is no chance, but why doesnt my heart understand it.
I actually talked to Wendy again today, in computer hardware. She has been so quiet for the whole course and I have only just now begun to take the chance to talk to her.
I dont know if I have written this before, but the more I talk to her, the more I see Tasha in her. And now, to make sure that you understand this completely, I am not interested in her enough to have a crush on her. Of course I want to be friends with her, but I don't have that 'instant attraction' to her The funniest thing of all is that she thought that no one in the subject liked her, it's just that she never talked. And I know what I am like, when I am on my own, I usually don't like to be talked to.
A nice little post once again summing up the confusions which exist in my head, and I still have no idea what to do to organise it all. The writting isnt working as it usual is.
//Simmo
6:35pm | 11-06-04
Thursday, June 10, 2004
I totally forgot to update about my weekend. The only time that something happens and I forget to record it down...
Walldo had a party on Saturday, it was great. I havent been to a party for a while. It was small-ish, but still fun. I just love catching up with my friends.
I am sorry that I havent been posting here very often, but I dont like to be repetitive, and thats what I would be doing if I posted more often.
I have noticed that I am more aware of me flirting, if you can call it that. I am talking to people more, I am becoming a more outgoing person, I'm not as afraid as I used to be. But I am still very self conscious of what I do and what I say to people, I am worried that they may not like me, or be rude. Whatever the reason its who I am at the moment, I just hope I can change for the better and move on soon.
That said I hate oral presentations, I had to do one today when I wasnt even ready, and then the teacher says, anyone that didnt do their preso's or didnt do well on their preso's can get another chance next week. THANKS FOR TELLING ME. I hate the subject in general, its the worst out of my whole course, and it lasts the whole year :(
And another thing I am confused, very confused [DA LINK]. I thought I could move on from the whole Tori thing, but it seems I am wrong. The thing that makes the following is that I had some sort of feelings for Tori, a crush, an infation. And I foolishly nutured those feelings, used them as an escape from what I was feeling at that time. Anyway, Tori is truely confusing; When ever I showed any interest in her, she moved back a space, for whatever reasons. And now that I have given up, resigned to the fact that I don't have any chance at all, she starts appearing, almost trying to get my attention.
For that presentation today, a me and a friend went into a classroom to print the stuff off. It happened to be Tori's class, I coped fairly well in my mind. I printed it off, and didn't look, or want to look at Tori during that time. I thought I was getting over it all. starting to move on.
That seems to be a good description of how confused I am at the moment. Including the poetry. I am starting to rely on my poetry a lot, it is my pensive, a way of dispersing my thoughts and my feelings, and to organise them. I look back on them and its like a timeline of emotions. The last 7 months of my life seem to have been carefully recorded into my blog and my poetry. The transition was needed. I could not have started writing poetry without the help of my blog.
And I have to thank all of my friends for being there for me, and being supportive when I felt down. I not OK yet, but I would be far worse off if it werent for you guys. I also wouldnt have posted as many of my poems if it werent for my friends, in a way you all helped me write it.
Now doesn't that make up for a week or two of non-posting? :-)
Oh and I just got a letter telling me that I will need my wisdom teeth out sometime soon, YAY for me :|
///Simmo
Walldo had a party on Saturday, it was great. I havent been to a party for a while. It was small-ish, but still fun. I just love catching up with my friends.
I am sorry that I havent been posting here very often, but I dont like to be repetitive, and thats what I would be doing if I posted more often.
I have noticed that I am more aware of me flirting, if you can call it that. I am talking to people more, I am becoming a more outgoing person, I'm not as afraid as I used to be. But I am still very self conscious of what I do and what I say to people, I am worried that they may not like me, or be rude. Whatever the reason its who I am at the moment, I just hope I can change for the better and move on soon.
That said I hate oral presentations, I had to do one today when I wasnt even ready, and then the teacher says, anyone that didnt do their preso's or didnt do well on their preso's can get another chance next week. THANKS FOR TELLING ME. I hate the subject in general, its the worst out of my whole course, and it lasts the whole year :(
And another thing I am confused, very confused [DA LINK]. I thought I could move on from the whole Tori thing, but it seems I am wrong. The thing that makes the following is that I had some sort of feelings for Tori, a crush, an infation. And I foolishly nutured those feelings, used them as an escape from what I was feeling at that time. Anyway, Tori is truely confusing; When ever I showed any interest in her, she moved back a space, for whatever reasons. And now that I have given up, resigned to the fact that I don't have any chance at all, she starts appearing, almost trying to get my attention.
For that presentation today, a me and a friend went into a classroom to print the stuff off. It happened to be Tori's class, I coped fairly well in my mind. I printed it off, and didn't look, or want to look at Tori during that time. I thought I was getting over it all. starting to move on.
That seems to be a good description of how confused I am at the moment. Including the poetry. I am starting to rely on my poetry a lot, it is my pensive, a way of dispersing my thoughts and my feelings, and to organise them. I look back on them and its like a timeline of emotions. The last 7 months of my life seem to have been carefully recorded into my blog and my poetry. The transition was needed. I could not have started writing poetry without the help of my blog.
And I have to thank all of my friends for being there for me, and being supportive when I felt down. I not OK yet, but I would be far worse off if it werent for you guys. I also wouldnt have posted as many of my poems if it werent for my friends, in a way you all helped me write it.
Now doesn't that make up for a week or two of non-posting? :-)
Oh and I just got a letter telling me that I will need my wisdom teeth out sometime soon, YAY for me :|
///Simmo
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
6:47pm
I have never flirted,or at least I don't think I have. Maybe its coz the times I could have flirted were when there was only one other person around.
Heck I still don't even understand it now, its not as if I learnt how to do this. It was'nt a concious decision. But I guess in the end, I am happy that I did something without being afraid. Without the fear of what might happen. Maybe I wasnt thinking, but if that were the case, I'm still happy, coz I think way too often.
I still can't beleive it was that obvious, when the the girl left the group the rest of the group looked at me, and told me I was flirting. I felt so vulnerable, the fact that everyone else knew what I was doing when I didnt even know that I was doing it.
Hmm. seems I have only given you half the story doesnt it?
I was sitting in a group at school, we have painfully long breaks ranging form 1 hour to 2 hours. Sometimes other groups that we know have the same break as us, so that makes it more interesting. This was one of those occasions. And the girl was a friend of someone in the other group.
It started out with them just talking, but at some point, I introduced myself to her and entered the converstation. In hindsight, I know some of the things I were doing, and maybe I was aware at the time, but I didnt care. I started asking a lot of questions. Just to get to know her. She is a russian girl and has only been in Melbourne for a few years. I didn't find out heaps of stuff, and I did notice when I was asking too many questions.
Her friend tells me that she is a thick person, someone who doesnt 'get things' to quickly. But I didn't see any of that. Or maybe she didn't notice I was flirting. I mean, if anyone else knew, wouldnt she know it even more than the rest?
I am still trying to figure stuff out. I was confused before this day. Now I dont know what I am. I didnt even know I was attracted to her when I begun talking to her. I just wanted to talk. I am guessing a lot more things were going on in my subconcious at that time.
All of that said, I am do not have to urge to go out with her, or anything of that sort. Saying what you feel and getting burnt hurts after each successive hit. And it makes me think things through a lot more. At the moment, I would just be happy to talk to her, and maybe even be her friend. Some girls may find this hard to believe, but when I am interested in a girl it is all very innocent, I don't brand her on how sexy she is and if I want to get her into bed, or anything of the sort. I have looked back on my very limited experiences and rarely thought that way towards any of the girls I liked, including Tasha. I seemed to want something on an emotional level (especially with Tasha, as my feelings were untainted and innocent). I may be wrong but I believe that the emotions to it all should come first (usually, but not always) before anything more serious happens.
I just want someone to connect with, that is what I am searching for.
I also believe that I will never understand women, until my last dying breath. Women are so complicated, I never see any pattern, or rational, to it all. Let me rephrase that, I will never fully understand human emotions. I may learn a bit about mine and my partners. But it is going to be something that will never fully be explained.
I guess that is what I am so excited about, the many experiences that I have yet to even comprehend. Though it may seem dark at this point in time. It has to get better, the hope must remain, or there is no reason for living.
I can't believe I am so many things and explaining my current situation in so much detail, maybe because I am mainly writing it for myself. I'm still not sure why I let anyone else read it.
Though now that I have finished writing this entry, I am proud of it. Maybe thats why I post it. To show people how I feel and to help them understand me. And maybe through my experiences they will learn a bit about themselves.
///Simmo
PS. Oh and I got a reply for the Coles Myer job. :)
I have never flirted,or at least I don't think I have. Maybe its coz the times I could have flirted were when there was only one other person around.
Heck I still don't even understand it now, its not as if I learnt how to do this. It was'nt a concious decision. But I guess in the end, I am happy that I did something without being afraid. Without the fear of what might happen. Maybe I wasnt thinking, but if that were the case, I'm still happy, coz I think way too often.
I still can't beleive it was that obvious, when the the girl left the group the rest of the group looked at me, and told me I was flirting. I felt so vulnerable, the fact that everyone else knew what I was doing when I didnt even know that I was doing it.
Hmm. seems I have only given you half the story doesnt it?
I was sitting in a group at school, we have painfully long breaks ranging form 1 hour to 2 hours. Sometimes other groups that we know have the same break as us, so that makes it more interesting. This was one of those occasions. And the girl was a friend of someone in the other group.
It started out with them just talking, but at some point, I introduced myself to her and entered the converstation. In hindsight, I know some of the things I were doing, and maybe I was aware at the time, but I didnt care. I started asking a lot of questions. Just to get to know her. She is a russian girl and has only been in Melbourne for a few years. I didn't find out heaps of stuff, and I did notice when I was asking too many questions.
Her friend tells me that she is a thick person, someone who doesnt 'get things' to quickly. But I didn't see any of that. Or maybe she didn't notice I was flirting. I mean, if anyone else knew, wouldnt she know it even more than the rest?
I am still trying to figure stuff out. I was confused before this day. Now I dont know what I am. I didnt even know I was attracted to her when I begun talking to her. I just wanted to talk. I am guessing a lot more things were going on in my subconcious at that time.
All of that said, I am do not have to urge to go out with her, or anything of that sort. Saying what you feel and getting burnt hurts after each successive hit. And it makes me think things through a lot more. At the moment, I would just be happy to talk to her, and maybe even be her friend. Some girls may find this hard to believe, but when I am interested in a girl it is all very innocent, I don't brand her on how sexy she is and if I want to get her into bed, or anything of the sort. I have looked back on my very limited experiences and rarely thought that way towards any of the girls I liked, including Tasha. I seemed to want something on an emotional level (especially with Tasha, as my feelings were untainted and innocent). I may be wrong but I believe that the emotions to it all should come first (usually, but not always) before anything more serious happens.
I just want someone to connect with, that is what I am searching for.
I also believe that I will never understand women, until my last dying breath. Women are so complicated, I never see any pattern, or rational, to it all. Let me rephrase that, I will never fully understand human emotions. I may learn a bit about mine and my partners. But it is going to be something that will never fully be explained.
I guess that is what I am so excited about, the many experiences that I have yet to even comprehend. Though it may seem dark at this point in time. It has to get better, the hope must remain, or there is no reason for living.
I can't believe I am so many things and explaining my current situation in so much detail, maybe because I am mainly writing it for myself. I'm still not sure why I let anyone else read it.
Though now that I have finished writing this entry, I am proud of it. Maybe thats why I post it. To show people how I feel and to help them understand me. And maybe through my experiences they will learn a bit about themselves.
///Simmo
PS. Oh and I got a reply for the Coles Myer job. :)
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
Hmm, finally something new to write about. It may never be anything, nor do I wish it to be at the moment, but at least it is a change.
I seriously didn't know what I was doing until it was too late.
Her name is Val. And deny it as I try I am interested in her.
I feel so vulnerable, that it was noticeable to everyone.
It was a group thing and it was just a nice talk, just getting to know her. And after she left everyone in the group looked at me. They knew more than I did what I was doing, I was flirting with Val. How stupid had I been? It's not like I consciously was doing it at least.
And I am not going to destroy this before it has begun. The whole Tori thing was killed before it started, coz she knew and I never got the chance to talk to her without her knowing that I was interested in her. I would be more than happy to be friends with some girls, friends is great. If anything happens even better, but at least I don't get my hopes up. There is one crucial thing that I forget sometimes. She has to be interested in me too.
There is no hope for a one-sided relationship. And sometimes my emotions and how I feel make me forget the thing that is most important. Not only to the chance of the relationship, but also why I would cherish it so much. I seek someone that will love and care for me, for who I am. And I now remember that I inadvertently said some of these things too Val. As part of the conversation, and not actually TOO her, but still.
I don't expect anything from all of this, I just don't want to be hurt again. Why do I go into situations where I could get hurt again? And why so quickly?
This post is a heck more different than usual. Especially since if this didn't happen I would be talking about how Tori was at school. Even when it was her day off. But I have noticed that even before today, I don't care that I lost that chance, coz in reality I never had it in the first place.
///Simmo 1:52pm
I seriously didn't know what I was doing until it was too late.
Her name is Val. And deny it as I try I am interested in her.
I feel so vulnerable, that it was noticeable to everyone.
It was a group thing and it was just a nice talk, just getting to know her. And after she left everyone in the group looked at me. They knew more than I did what I was doing, I was flirting with Val. How stupid had I been? It's not like I consciously was doing it at least.
And I am not going to destroy this before it has begun. The whole Tori thing was killed before it started, coz she knew and I never got the chance to talk to her without her knowing that I was interested in her. I would be more than happy to be friends with some girls, friends is great. If anything happens even better, but at least I don't get my hopes up. There is one crucial thing that I forget sometimes. She has to be interested in me too.
There is no hope for a one-sided relationship. And sometimes my emotions and how I feel make me forget the thing that is most important. Not only to the chance of the relationship, but also why I would cherish it so much. I seek someone that will love and care for me, for who I am. And I now remember that I inadvertently said some of these things too Val. As part of the conversation, and not actually TOO her, but still.
I don't expect anything from all of this, I just don't want to be hurt again. Why do I go into situations where I could get hurt again? And why so quickly?
This post is a heck more different than usual. Especially since if this didn't happen I would be talking about how Tori was at school. Even when it was her day off. But I have noticed that even before today, I don't care that I lost that chance, coz in reality I never had it in the first place.
///Simmo 1:52pm
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