Thursday, April 01, 2004
Where to start, I havent written as much as I wish I could have. It is a combination of a number of things; not having the time to write it, not being in the mood to write when I do have the time, oh and that it is sometimes a task to make sense of what is going on in my mind.
My mind in recent has been playing tricks on me, I think. I dont know why, nor do I want to be 'seeing' Tasha everywhere. It is a cruel and unusual torture to be reminded of these things that I do not wish to remember.
I guess over analyising things is both a good and bad thing. Of course I think about the simple facts for far too long. But then again I gained much wisdom from such an obviously short relationship. I do not know all, I only know what I have experienced.
I talked about IF's in my last posts, sometimes when I post I do not check what I am typing, but on reflection I noticed it. I am scared, and IF's do not just exist in the past, but also the present and the future. I know that IF's are usless when thinking about the past, and they can be equally as damaging in the here and now. I think too much, but that is natural, especially since I have been hurt, and it is totally understandable for me to be on guard.
I dont want to be hurt again. But then again I dont want to live in fear and never have the chance to love (lol, sounding like Donnie Darko).
I want to love, and for it to be returned. Also as someone said to me, once you Love someone, the pain that I would feel when it ends is worse than how I am feeling now.
Thinking about it, isnt the majority of relationships destined to fail?
It is a cruel fact that most people choose to ignore, and I do not blame them. To live in the ignorance that it could last forever would feel amazing. Only problem the pain of loosing that person would be as painful as it is unexpected.
Talking pessimistic is something that I am doing more often at the moment. It shows just how I am feeling at the moment. 10:30am
And the mood changes...
A friend of mine did something that I would never do. He walked up to Tori and said that I have a crush on her. I hope that her reaction was good, girls arent the easiest to read. We still havent talked much, but then again, it takes a while for me to open up, especially to the people that I like. But she seems alot like me; she is comfortable around people that she knows and from what I hear, she is reluctant to talk to people she likes aswell.
My friend is not going to push it anymore, all I can do right now is wait. And maybe next time, I will ask her for her number. I hope that she understands how much it would take for me to ask. Oh, how I do hope that she likes me, the more I learn about her, the more I want to know about her.
I want to talk her and have great conversations with her.
Is it me that deny's myself the chances, I have always assumed that noone would ever like me, and in a sense I thought of myself as ugly, so why would any girl want to like me. But I am beginning to understand that maybe I am not as bad as I think that I am. And yet, I still cant see myself being with somone. If I look young, than maybe I look too young, she is already at least 2 years older than me.
I know I say this a lot, but it just reflects how much I think about it. I want Love, all types of it. I am tired of missing out on the things life has to offer.
Maybe I am not letting myself think off the future to protect myself. If I start to think about what going out with Tori would be like, then I open up my heart to pain. I would be raising my hopes to a thing that may not happen. Not that I am not trying, just I wont be too hurt if she says she doesnt like me. I will still be crushed mind you, but it would have been far worse if I had gone off with the idea that we could be "The happiest little couple" in a few weeks...
I am beginning to know mysself even more, I know that the first two or 3 times I semi talk to a girl I like, I am dead in the water, but if given the chance I am sure that I can strike a good conversation with Tori.
(Just an add-on, it is wierd that this girl has the same name as my sister, I am just glad that her nickname isnt Toria, though if I do write that it doesnt mean I am talking about my sister either...)
5:12pm
Geeze I rant alot. Two rants in one day, that doesnt happen very often. It's not often that I have two things that I am very passionate about either.
///Simmo
My mind in recent has been playing tricks on me, I think. I dont know why, nor do I want to be 'seeing' Tasha everywhere. It is a cruel and unusual torture to be reminded of these things that I do not wish to remember.
I guess over analyising things is both a good and bad thing. Of course I think about the simple facts for far too long. But then again I gained much wisdom from such an obviously short relationship. I do not know all, I only know what I have experienced.
I talked about IF's in my last posts, sometimes when I post I do not check what I am typing, but on reflection I noticed it. I am scared, and IF's do not just exist in the past, but also the present and the future. I know that IF's are usless when thinking about the past, and they can be equally as damaging in the here and now. I think too much, but that is natural, especially since I have been hurt, and it is totally understandable for me to be on guard.
I dont want to be hurt again. But then again I dont want to live in fear and never have the chance to love (lol, sounding like Donnie Darko).
I want to love, and for it to be returned. Also as someone said to me, once you Love someone, the pain that I would feel when it ends is worse than how I am feeling now.
Thinking about it, isnt the majority of relationships destined to fail?
It is a cruel fact that most people choose to ignore, and I do not blame them. To live in the ignorance that it could last forever would feel amazing. Only problem the pain of loosing that person would be as painful as it is unexpected.
Talking pessimistic is something that I am doing more often at the moment. It shows just how I am feeling at the moment. 10:30am
And the mood changes...
A friend of mine did something that I would never do. He walked up to Tori and said that I have a crush on her. I hope that her reaction was good, girls arent the easiest to read. We still havent talked much, but then again, it takes a while for me to open up, especially to the people that I like. But she seems alot like me; she is comfortable around people that she knows and from what I hear, she is reluctant to talk to people she likes aswell.
My friend is not going to push it anymore, all I can do right now is wait. And maybe next time, I will ask her for her number. I hope that she understands how much it would take for me to ask. Oh, how I do hope that she likes me, the more I learn about her, the more I want to know about her.
I want to talk her and have great conversations with her.
Is it me that deny's myself the chances, I have always assumed that noone would ever like me, and in a sense I thought of myself as ugly, so why would any girl want to like me. But I am beginning to understand that maybe I am not as bad as I think that I am. And yet, I still cant see myself being with somone. If I look young, than maybe I look too young, she is already at least 2 years older than me.
I know I say this a lot, but it just reflects how much I think about it. I want Love, all types of it. I am tired of missing out on the things life has to offer.
Maybe I am not letting myself think off the future to protect myself. If I start to think about what going out with Tori would be like, then I open up my heart to pain. I would be raising my hopes to a thing that may not happen. Not that I am not trying, just I wont be too hurt if she says she doesnt like me. I will still be crushed mind you, but it would have been far worse if I had gone off with the idea that we could be "The happiest little couple" in a few weeks...
I am beginning to know mysself even more, I know that the first two or 3 times I semi talk to a girl I like, I am dead in the water, but if given the chance I am sure that I can strike a good conversation with Tori.
(Just an add-on, it is wierd that this girl has the same name as my sister, I am just glad that her nickname isnt Toria, though if I do write that it doesnt mean I am talking about my sister either...)
5:12pm
Geeze I rant alot. Two rants in one day, that doesnt happen very often. It's not often that I have two things that I am very passionate about either.
///Simmo
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