Tuesday, April 27, 2004
Trust, it is such a frail thing. It can easily be broken and sometimes for what seems to be such a simple misunderstanging from both parties.
This is why I have changed my password.
I would like to think of myself as a very trustworthy person, I would keep a secret until my dying breath if that person asked me to. I treat the words that are spoken to me in confidence with the uttermost of care.
But then there are these times, the times when I don't understand that they were secrets being told to me, something that must be hidden from others. I understood the conversation, in my head, as being something that everyone knew anyway. I was wrong, and now they dont trust me anymore. This always happens with false friends anyway. They talk to me until they find something in me that they do not like, because it always happens. They find a problem and then keep on that topic forever more, I guess I will have to see if they follow the same path. And then there are my true friends, ones that would do anything for me and ask nothing in return, and I would do the same for them, these friendships are selfless. And I am truely appreciative to have friends like that. I also like to think of myself as a good judge of character. First impressions count alot in judging character, coz when you first meet someone is when they are off guard, though they don't seem like they are. I know because that is how I am. Even though I don't speak much when I first meet someone, I speak enough for them to know the bounderies of my character. My true friends have not changed since the first time I met them, the only things that have cahnged is that I know the depths of their character. Not all of it though, only as much as they are willing to show me.
With much luck the people that I am changing the password to protect against, would have stopped reading it by now, and won't even notice. Plus it has been over 3 months, and that is far too long for a password to exist. I hope that I emailed my new password to everyone that reads my diary. And if not, I hope to speak to them soon enough so they don't feel excluded or left out.
Coz that is who I am, a caring person, who takes everything to heart, and casts nothing aside without a long a deep amount of thought. And that thought sometimes works against me. I think about trivial things too much and sometimes that means that the things that matter are lost in the confusion. I also put my trust into people far to quickly, sometimes that is a good thing. As long as they do not betray me. But once I get hurt by someone it just means I put up another wall, and I would never be as open with that person ever again. Even if it were just over a misunderstanding. Putting trust into a person selflessly works well in relationships I hope. I would like to think that once in a relationship I could always jump in with two feet. Because an intimate relationship should never have trust issues. The two people would hopefully love eachother so much that they would never hold anything back. I hope that one day I could have a relationship like that.I know it is selfish at times, but I look at the truly wonderful relationships that my friends are having, and I wonder why can't I find something like that?
If it hurts me so, why is it still in my playlist? "Coldplay -Clocks". It is that song that I associated my relationship with Tasha to. Sometimes I let it play all the way through, sometimes I next it as soon as I can. I guess it shows I don't want to forget the good times that we did have together.
Oh, and if I havent mentioned it before, Tasha has started emailing me agian, I reply to her. I still like to talk to her. But now I finally understand that it is over. And that is a good thing. At least it means that when I do finally have a relationship, it will not be selfish. It will not be used as a way of getting over Tasha. Though a relationship would be good for me in that way, it would not be a true relationship if that was the reason for it in the first place.
wow, I love the posts that never turn out the way that you begin them. I always get the most writen then, and I always say more this way too. Though I will never day enough abuot any one subject. What you read is just the tip of the iceberg. I dont even know everything about myself, maybe that is the meaning of life? (too much monty python :P )
And its amazing, this month is almost finished and I am barely aware that it had begun. I love these moments when I am in a "Twilight Zone" :P Maybe its coz my birthday is about 2 weeks away, May 10th can't come soon enough :D...
As a finish to this rather spectacular blog entry something that I added to the end when I was writing the middle: This blog is a part of my soul and I hope that people appreciate it as that. :)
//Simmo
This is why I have changed my password.
I would like to think of myself as a very trustworthy person, I would keep a secret until my dying breath if that person asked me to. I treat the words that are spoken to me in confidence with the uttermost of care.
But then there are these times, the times when I don't understand that they were secrets being told to me, something that must be hidden from others. I understood the conversation, in my head, as being something that everyone knew anyway. I was wrong, and now they dont trust me anymore. This always happens with false friends anyway. They talk to me until they find something in me that they do not like, because it always happens. They find a problem and then keep on that topic forever more, I guess I will have to see if they follow the same path. And then there are my true friends, ones that would do anything for me and ask nothing in return, and I would do the same for them, these friendships are selfless. And I am truely appreciative to have friends like that. I also like to think of myself as a good judge of character. First impressions count alot in judging character, coz when you first meet someone is when they are off guard, though they don't seem like they are. I know because that is how I am. Even though I don't speak much when I first meet someone, I speak enough for them to know the bounderies of my character. My true friends have not changed since the first time I met them, the only things that have cahnged is that I know the depths of their character. Not all of it though, only as much as they are willing to show me.
With much luck the people that I am changing the password to protect against, would have stopped reading it by now, and won't even notice. Plus it has been over 3 months, and that is far too long for a password to exist. I hope that I emailed my new password to everyone that reads my diary. And if not, I hope to speak to them soon enough so they don't feel excluded or left out.
Coz that is who I am, a caring person, who takes everything to heart, and casts nothing aside without a long a deep amount of thought. And that thought sometimes works against me. I think about trivial things too much and sometimes that means that the things that matter are lost in the confusion. I also put my trust into people far to quickly, sometimes that is a good thing. As long as they do not betray me. But once I get hurt by someone it just means I put up another wall, and I would never be as open with that person ever again. Even if it were just over a misunderstanding. Putting trust into a person selflessly works well in relationships I hope. I would like to think that once in a relationship I could always jump in with two feet. Because an intimate relationship should never have trust issues. The two people would hopefully love eachother so much that they would never hold anything back. I hope that one day I could have a relationship like that.I know it is selfish at times, but I look at the truly wonderful relationships that my friends are having, and I wonder why can't I find something like that?
If it hurts me so, why is it still in my playlist? "Coldplay -Clocks". It is that song that I associated my relationship with Tasha to. Sometimes I let it play all the way through, sometimes I next it as soon as I can. I guess it shows I don't want to forget the good times that we did have together.
Oh, and if I havent mentioned it before, Tasha has started emailing me agian, I reply to her. I still like to talk to her. But now I finally understand that it is over. And that is a good thing. At least it means that when I do finally have a relationship, it will not be selfish. It will not be used as a way of getting over Tasha. Though a relationship would be good for me in that way, it would not be a true relationship if that was the reason for it in the first place.
wow, I love the posts that never turn out the way that you begin them. I always get the most writen then, and I always say more this way too. Though I will never day enough abuot any one subject. What you read is just the tip of the iceberg. I dont even know everything about myself, maybe that is the meaning of life? (too much monty python :P )
And its amazing, this month is almost finished and I am barely aware that it had begun. I love these moments when I am in a "Twilight Zone" :P Maybe its coz my birthday is about 2 weeks away, May 10th can't come soon enough :D...
As a finish to this rather spectacular blog entry something that I added to the end when I was writing the middle: This blog is a part of my soul and I hope that people appreciate it as that. :)
//Simmo
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