Friday, May 28, 2004
If you havent read or heard it from me I will write it here too. For you aswel as for me. Have I written it here before? I have given up on looking at least for the moment. I still cant beleive how foolish I have been in the past few weeks, thinking that she would be interested. She talks to me, she doesnt, I have had enough. If anything was going to happen it would have by now. I was stupid for having the hope that anything could happen.
I have also come to the realisation that my feelings are my feelings and are no lesser important in comparison to anyone elses. For some reason I thought when I was sad, that since someone else was more depressed. That I was not as depressed, so not able to be depressed. If it sounds stupid, its coz it is. The very thought of my feelings being less important than anothers is sensational. But I did think it. And I have only just begun to beleive that what I feel is actually real and is more than something that should be ignored. I am depressed. Maybe not as much as others, but still the fact remains that I have been hut and as a result I am depressed.
It is not only the Tori thing. I had hope, and thought there was some chance of something happening. Wether I like it or not I was using it to get over Tasha. And now that I have nothing I am left in an lonely situation.
I have said it many times, and I will say it yet again. I miss it. I miss somone caring for me, holding me, hugging me. My friends and family are great. Without them, I dont know how I would be right now. But when they are not around. I cant help think about the negative things in life, of all the missed chances. And questioning why I should still have hope. coz that is what I am doing now. At first it is OK to feel like this, everyone goes through it. And everyone gets out of it. But I am taking longer than I expected. Can it be expected?
I now know I miss Tasha, but that is what I am really missing, I miss companionship, partnership, the bond that people have. However little I experienced, I still experienced it, and I miss it. Terribly.
Oh well, thats enough emotional unloading for today.
catchya later
///Simmo
I have also come to the realisation that my feelings are my feelings and are no lesser important in comparison to anyone elses. For some reason I thought when I was sad, that since someone else was more depressed. That I was not as depressed, so not able to be depressed. If it sounds stupid, its coz it is. The very thought of my feelings being less important than anothers is sensational. But I did think it. And I have only just begun to beleive that what I feel is actually real and is more than something that should be ignored. I am depressed. Maybe not as much as others, but still the fact remains that I have been hut and as a result I am depressed.
It is not only the Tori thing. I had hope, and thought there was some chance of something happening. Wether I like it or not I was using it to get over Tasha. And now that I have nothing I am left in an lonely situation.
I have said it many times, and I will say it yet again. I miss it. I miss somone caring for me, holding me, hugging me. My friends and family are great. Without them, I dont know how I would be right now. But when they are not around. I cant help think about the negative things in life, of all the missed chances. And questioning why I should still have hope. coz that is what I am doing now. At first it is OK to feel like this, everyone goes through it. And everyone gets out of it. But I am taking longer than I expected. Can it be expected?
I now know I miss Tasha, but that is what I am really missing, I miss companionship, partnership, the bond that people have. However little I experienced, I still experienced it, and I miss it. Terribly.
Oh well, thats enough emotional unloading for today.
catchya later
///Simmo
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
Ashes
I have decided to go with the option of not trying anymore. To not bother her and just give up.
I think that was made pretty clear over the past few weeks. And I foolishly believed that I could talk to her and maybe become friends.
I understand that maybe it wasn't meant to happen, and I have a hard time moving on most of the time. Maybe I should have taken the hint when shot down for the first time.
People often say that they find things when they aren't looking for it. And they tend to be the more rewarding relationships.
I know all of this but I still have one flaw at least, I am impatient, I don't want to continue hurting, I want to be happy. Is that too much to ask for. I made the wrong choice, I put too much of my heart into a foolish crush. But still it is done and nothing can turn back time.
I can still look positively at it all. It has helped me with getting over Tasha, even though there is now the added task of getting over Tori. It wont be as hard. I will never get over Tasha, nothing will help me with that. I will find other things that are different, possibly perceived as better. But nothing could compare, she showed me that I am not useless, and that there are people out there that would find me attractive. The innocence of the relationship is what I loved, the simple things being the most important, not only because they are the only things happening. I enjoyed my time with Tasha. And I asked myself this question; "Do I miss her as much as I think?". I still miss her, but maybe what I am missing the most is the emotions, the feelings that I felt when around her. What she gave me I valued. And did not compare it. And I can never thank her enough for that. I do wish that we could have lasted longer, but that cannot be helped just as the current situation cannot be helped.
My intentions are pure, I do not look at the women that I like and think about what I could do with them. I care for them and I don't think like that much even when in the relationship. As many of my writings have shown I am hungry for companionship, for someone to like me, WANT me. And most of all, I want them to feel the same way too, and be as happy as I am when we are together.
With all of these qualities, I know there is someone out there that will appreciate me. I just haven't found them yet, maybe I should stop looking and go with the flow and maybe, just maybe it will find me.
I feel the urge to comment on my work. lol, that's what happens when I post on DA too often :-)
But there isn't much to say cept this is yet another venting of my soul, baring my innermost feelings, in the hope that this will lighten my burden. I usually feel better after typing a lot, it helps me organise my thoughts and that is why I write so often and at these opportune times...
Well that's enough from me :)
cya
//Simmo 3:02pm
I have decided to go with the option of not trying anymore. To not bother her and just give up.
I think that was made pretty clear over the past few weeks. And I foolishly believed that I could talk to her and maybe become friends.
I understand that maybe it wasn't meant to happen, and I have a hard time moving on most of the time. Maybe I should have taken the hint when shot down for the first time.
People often say that they find things when they aren't looking for it. And they tend to be the more rewarding relationships.
I know all of this but I still have one flaw at least, I am impatient, I don't want to continue hurting, I want to be happy. Is that too much to ask for. I made the wrong choice, I put too much of my heart into a foolish crush. But still it is done and nothing can turn back time.
I can still look positively at it all. It has helped me with getting over Tasha, even though there is now the added task of getting over Tori. It wont be as hard. I will never get over Tasha, nothing will help me with that. I will find other things that are different, possibly perceived as better. But nothing could compare, she showed me that I am not useless, and that there are people out there that would find me attractive. The innocence of the relationship is what I loved, the simple things being the most important, not only because they are the only things happening. I enjoyed my time with Tasha. And I asked myself this question; "Do I miss her as much as I think?". I still miss her, but maybe what I am missing the most is the emotions, the feelings that I felt when around her. What she gave me I valued. And did not compare it. And I can never thank her enough for that. I do wish that we could have lasted longer, but that cannot be helped just as the current situation cannot be helped.
My intentions are pure, I do not look at the women that I like and think about what I could do with them. I care for them and I don't think like that much even when in the relationship. As many of my writings have shown I am hungry for companionship, for someone to like me, WANT me. And most of all, I want them to feel the same way too, and be as happy as I am when we are together.
With all of these qualities, I know there is someone out there that will appreciate me. I just haven't found them yet, maybe I should stop looking and go with the flow and maybe, just maybe it will find me.
I feel the urge to comment on my work. lol, that's what happens when I post on DA too often :-)
But there isn't much to say cept this is yet another venting of my soul, baring my innermost feelings, in the hope that this will lighten my burden. I usually feel better after typing a lot, it helps me organise my thoughts and that is why I write so often and at these opportune times...
Well that's enough from me :)
cya
//Simmo 3:02pm
Sunday, May 23, 2004
To think the positively is a lot harder than it sounds. When so many negative scenatrios are playing through my head. And dont forget all of the negative experiences in my past havent really helped me thinking at this time.
I read that once you are confident in yourself and discover that you are worth it, the you have a positive healthier life in general. After all of these years of being convinced that no one woud want me, I have been given hope. And in true referance to my life, that hope was taken away as quickly as it was given. And just as there was no explanation for that hope in the beginning, there is no explanation of why it left.
But a glimer of that hope remains, and the feeling of happiness is something that I want back. Although not in exactly the same form. I never know, maybe things will become better than I could have imagined. Of course the pessimist in me is saying that, thinking positive will only make the distance that I fall that much higher. But I want to let go, I want to not know what could happen next. And to an extent, I want the exhilaration of the fear, the unknown, the excitement of it all.
Like everything actions always have their downsides, but I would like to hope that acting on my instincts, my heart, on faith; is when the best things could happen. If I were to think about it, I wouldnt go through with it. I would err on the side of caution. And who knows what I could miss out on if I were to do that all of the time. And I always hope that the bad experiences can be learned from and in the end be seen as a good thing.
Once again a healthy rant :)
//Simmo
"Carpe Diem - Seize the day"
I read that once you are confident in yourself and discover that you are worth it, the you have a positive healthier life in general. After all of these years of being convinced that no one woud want me, I have been given hope. And in true referance to my life, that hope was taken away as quickly as it was given. And just as there was no explanation for that hope in the beginning, there is no explanation of why it left.
But a glimer of that hope remains, and the feeling of happiness is something that I want back. Although not in exactly the same form. I never know, maybe things will become better than I could have imagined. Of course the pessimist in me is saying that, thinking positive will only make the distance that I fall that much higher. But I want to let go, I want to not know what could happen next. And to an extent, I want the exhilaration of the fear, the unknown, the excitement of it all.
Like everything actions always have their downsides, but I would like to hope that acting on my instincts, my heart, on faith; is when the best things could happen. If I were to think about it, I wouldnt go through with it. I would err on the side of caution. And who knows what I could miss out on if I were to do that all of the time. And I always hope that the bad experiences can be learned from and in the end be seen as a good thing.
Once again a healthy rant :)
//Simmo
"Carpe Diem - Seize the day"
Saturday, May 22, 2004
Me in 72 questions
1. First Name.
Simon
2. Were you named after anyone?
um, I think she named me after some doctor on "A country practice" called Simon
3. Do you wish on stars?
Yea, a few months ago, it hasnt come true yet :(
4. Which finger is your favourite?
All of them, they help me write/type what I am feeling.
5. When did you last cry?
October 2003, but there have been many times where I have wanted to cry since then.
6. Do you like your handwriting?
lol, anyone that has seen my writing knows that its not the best, and thats an understatement.
Its messy, its illegible, if I ever got one of those pc tablets, the computer would never be able to interpret it.
7. What is your favourite lunch meat?
Chicken :-) dunno why, I just love it.
8. Any bad habits?
Cracking my knuckles. I dont care, my family do.
9. What is your most embarrassing CD you own?
Dunno which is worse: AQUA or Spice Girls... I was young and tasteless, get over it.
10. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you?
Depends, if they went on first inpressions no. But if they took the time to get to know me, we could be best
friends.
11. Are you a daredevil?
No, I dont take risks, I am afraid of risks. But I want to take risks sometimes.
12. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell?
Yea, but not for a while. I am usually very well at keeping secrets, if I told peoples secrets, then they wouldnt
confide in me and I would loose their friendships. I dont want that. Also I want them to treat my secrets with
respect, so I do the same :-)
13. Do looks matter?
No, the most beautiful people can be heartless bitches. Go for personality, what they look like is just a bonus
then.
14. How do you release anger?
I used to bottle up my emotions and then release it on a harmless by stander, usually a futile attempt at trying to
bash the shit outta them. Now I know better, I like to let it seep out through my writings, my 400 page notebook
is almost half full. And I dont even know how many pages I have typed up on the computer.
15. Where is your second home?
considering the time I spend there; school. Try as I might to escape it is a necessary evil that I have to go back to.
16. Do you trust others easily?
Yes, I can put my trust in someone instantly, if they betray it. Then it is not so easily regained.
17. What was your favourite toy as a child?
Action figures, you know; Teenage mutant ninja turtles. That type of stuff.
18. What class in school do you think is totally useless?
Office Applications; its the microsoft office 2000 suite. Boring as hell.
19. Do you have a journal?
Many. Two blogs, Dont forget Deviant Art.
In the real world, I have a daily diary, and my trusty notepad.
20. Do you use sarcasm a lot?
Sometimes, but its not my only communication technique.
21. Have you ever been in a mosh pit?
No.
22. What do you look for in a guy/gal?
Someone that will like me for who I am. Who will make me happy, and won't be spending any time looking for
my flaws (coz if you look hard enough you can find something you dont like in everyone that you know).
It centers around them caring for me, and as I said before looks dont really matter. If you really care for the
person, they are beautiful in your eyes anyway :-)
24. What are your nicknames?
The history of my nicks;
Starfreak, charizardone, Simmo_02, most popular nick-Simmo
25. Would you bungee jump?
If they could get me up there yes, coz the only way down is to jump.
26. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
Nope, that can be done later. Lol, when I need to put them on again.
27. Do you think that you are strong?
Not in the physical sense. I dont try to be. But I can be strong willed, I am not the one to change my mind very
quickly.
28. What's your favourite ice cream flavour?
Chocolate
29. Shoe Size?
9..I think. Average for a guy.
30. What are your favourite colours?
Blue is my favourite color.
31. What is your least favourite thing?
Spiders, never liked them, never will.
32. How many wisdom teeth do you have?
Um, probably all of them. I think I need an x-ray soon to see if I need them out.
33. How many people have a crush on you right now?
none :(
34. What do you miss most right now?
This may be wrong, but I can't deny it...Tasha. Maybe its not the person that I am missing, but the feelings...
35. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back to you?
Its going on my blog, so I dont know how many will see it. And I will see my friends posting it on their blogs soon
too. Hopefully.
36. What colour pants are you wearing?
blue jeans. good ol' jeans :P
37. What are you listening to right now?
"Queens of the Stone Age-No one knows" from the "One Perfect Day" Soundtrack. I dont always listen to it, But
I seem to have music to suit every one of my moods :-)
39. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be?
Black. Coz it cannot be changed by any other colour.
40. What is the weather like right now?
T-shirt and Jeans normally. But today I am lazy, just whatever I could find.
41. Last person you talked to on the phone?
Hmm, phone...thinks. Probably my mother, or Walldo. It just shows how often I use the phone :P
42. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
The face, prominantly the eyes and lips. It can show alot about a person.
43. Do you like the person who sent you this?
She's a good buddy, a great chat. A great friend.
44. How are you today?
Rollercoaster describes it best. one moment; happy. The other, sad. To make it overly simplified of course.
45. Favourite drink?
Vanilla coke :P
46. Favourite alcoholic drink?
Vodka is a whole lot better than burbon. And I no longer drink UDL's *YAY* :-)
47. Favourite Sport?
Sport, dont say that word.
48. Hair colour?
You ask these questions now??
Dark Brown
49. Eye colour?
Hazel
50. Do you wear contacts?
I wish! It would never have to wear glasses ever again :-)
51. Siblings?
A sister, one year younger than me.
52. Favourite month?
May. of course :-). Who doesnt like the month of their birth?
53. Favourite food?
Chocolate, it relaxes me :P
54. Last movie you watched?
I am about to watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Im 10 minutes in and this time I am sober!
55. Favourite day of the year?
The first day, a new start.
56. Are you too shy to ask someone out?
Uhh, if you know me then you would know YES!
It usually takes alot of help from my friends for me to get the courage to even talk to the girl that I like. Sometimes
they even have to trick me.
57. Scary movies or happy endings?
Happy endings, though real life is NEVER that simple.
58. Summer or winter?
Winter, more time spent inside.
59. Hugs or kisses?
Hugs are great. But I wouldnt know about kisses, never been kissed :-(
60. Relationships or one night stands?
Relationships, coz resepect is always needed when dealing with someones feelings.
61. Do you want your friends to write back?
Yea.
62. Who is most likely to respond?
Some, not all.
63. Who is least likely to respond?
Dont know.
64. Living Arrangements?
Living with parents.
65. What book/magazine are you reading?
How to learn Java. Some will know the real reason why I'm learning it :P
66. What's on your mouse pad?
Reign of fire, the only thing that I have won in a long time.
67. Favourite board game?
Chess, pity I havent learnt it too much.
68. What did you watch on TV last night?
nothing i was on the net
69. Favourite Smell?
The perfume of my girlfriend(now ex). There is no way you can feel sad with all the things attacking your senses at
that time.
70. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up?
Nothing. Its the only time I am void of thoughts. Its a good thing.
71. Favourite sound?
i love the sound of thunder on a rainy night :) coz it always means theres gonna be a great show :D
72. Do you regret ever breaking up with someone?
The one person I have been out with dumped me. I would not "dump" someone to hurt them, I would tell them
the truth, coz its a heap better than being lied to.
1. First Name.
Simon
2. Were you named after anyone?
um, I think she named me after some doctor on "A country practice" called Simon
3. Do you wish on stars?
Yea, a few months ago, it hasnt come true yet :(
4. Which finger is your favourite?
All of them, they help me write/type what I am feeling.
5. When did you last cry?
October 2003, but there have been many times where I have wanted to cry since then.
6. Do you like your handwriting?
lol, anyone that has seen my writing knows that its not the best, and thats an understatement.
Its messy, its illegible, if I ever got one of those pc tablets, the computer would never be able to interpret it.
7. What is your favourite lunch meat?
Chicken :-) dunno why, I just love it.
8. Any bad habits?
Cracking my knuckles. I dont care, my family do.
9. What is your most embarrassing CD you own?
Dunno which is worse: AQUA or Spice Girls... I was young and tasteless, get over it.
10. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you?
Depends, if they went on first inpressions no. But if they took the time to get to know me, we could be best
friends.
11. Are you a daredevil?
No, I dont take risks, I am afraid of risks. But I want to take risks sometimes.
12. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell?
Yea, but not for a while. I am usually very well at keeping secrets, if I told peoples secrets, then they wouldnt
confide in me and I would loose their friendships. I dont want that. Also I want them to treat my secrets with
respect, so I do the same :-)
13. Do looks matter?
No, the most beautiful people can be heartless bitches. Go for personality, what they look like is just a bonus
then.
14. How do you release anger?
I used to bottle up my emotions and then release it on a harmless by stander, usually a futile attempt at trying to
bash the shit outta them. Now I know better, I like to let it seep out through my writings, my 400 page notebook
is almost half full. And I dont even know how many pages I have typed up on the computer.
15. Where is your second home?
considering the time I spend there; school. Try as I might to escape it is a necessary evil that I have to go back to.
16. Do you trust others easily?
Yes, I can put my trust in someone instantly, if they betray it. Then it is not so easily regained.
17. What was your favourite toy as a child?
Action figures, you know; Teenage mutant ninja turtles. That type of stuff.
18. What class in school do you think is totally useless?
Office Applications; its the microsoft office 2000 suite. Boring as hell.
19. Do you have a journal?
Many. Two blogs, Dont forget Deviant Art.
In the real world, I have a daily diary, and my trusty notepad.
20. Do you use sarcasm a lot?
Sometimes, but its not my only communication technique.
21. Have you ever been in a mosh pit?
No.
22. What do you look for in a guy/gal?
Someone that will like me for who I am. Who will make me happy, and won't be spending any time looking for
my flaws (coz if you look hard enough you can find something you dont like in everyone that you know).
It centers around them caring for me, and as I said before looks dont really matter. If you really care for the
person, they are beautiful in your eyes anyway :-)
24. What are your nicknames?
The history of my nicks;
Starfreak, charizardone, Simmo_02, most popular nick-Simmo
25. Would you bungee jump?
If they could get me up there yes, coz the only way down is to jump.
26. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
Nope, that can be done later. Lol, when I need to put them on again.
27. Do you think that you are strong?
Not in the physical sense. I dont try to be. But I can be strong willed, I am not the one to change my mind very
quickly.
28. What's your favourite ice cream flavour?
Chocolate
29. Shoe Size?
9..I think. Average for a guy.
30. What are your favourite colours?
Blue is my favourite color.
31. What is your least favourite thing?
Spiders, never liked them, never will.
32. How many wisdom teeth do you have?
Um, probably all of them. I think I need an x-ray soon to see if I need them out.
33. How many people have a crush on you right now?
none :(
34. What do you miss most right now?
This may be wrong, but I can't deny it...Tasha. Maybe its not the person that I am missing, but the feelings...
35. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back to you?
Its going on my blog, so I dont know how many will see it. And I will see my friends posting it on their blogs soon
too. Hopefully.
36. What colour pants are you wearing?
blue jeans. good ol' jeans :P
37. What are you listening to right now?
"Queens of the Stone Age-No one knows" from the "One Perfect Day" Soundtrack. I dont always listen to it, But
I seem to have music to suit every one of my moods :-)
39. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be?
Black. Coz it cannot be changed by any other colour.
40. What is the weather like right now?
T-shirt and Jeans normally. But today I am lazy, just whatever I could find.
41. Last person you talked to on the phone?
Hmm, phone...thinks. Probably my mother, or Walldo. It just shows how often I use the phone :P
42. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
The face, prominantly the eyes and lips. It can show alot about a person.
43. Do you like the person who sent you this?
She's a good buddy, a great chat. A great friend.
44. How are you today?
Rollercoaster describes it best. one moment; happy. The other, sad. To make it overly simplified of course.
45. Favourite drink?
Vanilla coke :P
46. Favourite alcoholic drink?
Vodka is a whole lot better than burbon. And I no longer drink UDL's *YAY* :-)
47. Favourite Sport?
Sport, dont say that word.
48. Hair colour?
You ask these questions now??
Dark Brown
49. Eye colour?
Hazel
50. Do you wear contacts?
I wish! It would never have to wear glasses ever again :-)
51. Siblings?
A sister, one year younger than me.
52. Favourite month?
May. of course :-). Who doesnt like the month of their birth?
53. Favourite food?
Chocolate, it relaxes me :P
54. Last movie you watched?
I am about to watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Im 10 minutes in and this time I am sober!
55. Favourite day of the year?
The first day, a new start.
56. Are you too shy to ask someone out?
Uhh, if you know me then you would know YES!
It usually takes alot of help from my friends for me to get the courage to even talk to the girl that I like. Sometimes
they even have to trick me.
57. Scary movies or happy endings?
Happy endings, though real life is NEVER that simple.
58. Summer or winter?
Winter, more time spent inside.
59. Hugs or kisses?
Hugs are great. But I wouldnt know about kisses, never been kissed :-(
60. Relationships or one night stands?
Relationships, coz resepect is always needed when dealing with someones feelings.
61. Do you want your friends to write back?
Yea.
62. Who is most likely to respond?
Some, not all.
63. Who is least likely to respond?
Dont know.
64. Living Arrangements?
Living with parents.
65. What book/magazine are you reading?
How to learn Java. Some will know the real reason why I'm learning it :P
66. What's on your mouse pad?
Reign of fire, the only thing that I have won in a long time.
67. Favourite board game?
Chess, pity I havent learnt it too much.
68. What did you watch on TV last night?
nothing i was on the net
69. Favourite Smell?
The perfume of my girlfriend(now ex). There is no way you can feel sad with all the things attacking your senses at
that time.
70. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up?
Nothing. Its the only time I am void of thoughts. Its a good thing.
71. Favourite sound?
i love the sound of thunder on a rainy night :) coz it always means theres gonna be a great show :D
72. Do you regret ever breaking up with someone?
The one person I have been out with dumped me. I would not "dump" someone to hurt them, I would tell them
the truth, coz its a heap better than being lied to.
Friday, May 21, 2004
This day could not have started any better EVER! :D
I just had a great little conversation with Tori, and its coz I took risks and gathered the courage to walk up to her.
It was just a general conversation, but it was a conversation :), and I am happy because I wasnt afraid. Nervous yes, but that happened while talking to her. And is natural for me to be when talking to someone.
She geniunely wanted to talk to me :) I am glad that I had thought about what to speak to her about. Maybe that is the courage that made the difference.
Well, it was a nice talk. I hope that I can do that more often. I am happy with a friendship at least.
I Will update later with the rest of the story...
/11:41am
I just had a great little conversation with Tori, and its coz I took risks and gathered the courage to walk up to her.
It was just a general conversation, but it was a conversation :), and I am happy because I wasnt afraid. Nervous yes, but that happened while talking to her. And is natural for me to be when talking to someone.
She geniunely wanted to talk to me :) I am glad that I had thought about what to speak to her about. Maybe that is the courage that made the difference.
Well, it was a nice talk. I hope that I can do that more often. I am happy with a friendship at least.
I Will update later with the rest of the story...
/11:41am
Wednesday, May 19, 2004
Well, I saw her again today, I havent talked to her yet, the chance hasn't come up yet.
As I discussed before I do not feel truely happy about someone, until I know the feelings are mutual. You could call it a form of self preservation. I felt so great when I was around Tasha not only coz I liked her, but coz she liked me. Its what everyone wants. I know that even people in relationships arent happy all of the time, but it is a start at least :)
I re-read the 'cheese book' and with my new experiences I gained even more from it.
I posted on ffsprial recently too, some poems from DA. I have been meaning to post for a long time and I finally got round to doing it.
I just hope I can move on some time soon.
Well thats enough ranting for today :)
Laters
//Simmo
As I discussed before I do not feel truely happy about someone, until I know the feelings are mutual. You could call it a form of self preservation. I felt so great when I was around Tasha not only coz I liked her, but coz she liked me. Its what everyone wants. I know that even people in relationships arent happy all of the time, but it is a start at least :)
I re-read the 'cheese book' and with my new experiences I gained even more from it.
I posted on ffsprial recently too, some poems from DA. I have been meaning to post for a long time and I finally got round to doing it.
I just hope I can move on some time soon.
Well thats enough ranting for today :)
Laters
//Simmo
Monday, May 17, 2004
A very interesting day once again.
I got there kind of early. And after about 5 minutes Tori appeared (she has a class in the room next to us).
Danijel did not know about the whole thing yet, and for good reason. He would hold it against me. He walked up to her, called me over too. And was every second word from his mouth was my name. (very subtle). I Tori alone for good reason, because she wanted to be. But with recent events, I may see my self at least being friendly to her, and a friendship even. But as always my philosophy is to only go as far as she wants to. I am a true gentleman by all rights, I do not disrespect women in any way. I only hope, as always, that some girl will see the real me and be attracted to me because of that.
Well as a bonus at least she isn't acting weird around me anymore. But as usual even if I can talk to her, it will take a while. Especially with women that I like, it takes even longer for me to open up. But as most of you know, I can be a good talker once I do, well I hope I come across that way.
I just want something, anything, to change, I don't know who said it but "The only constant thing in your life is Change". Just nothing is changing atm, at least not anything that I can see...
damn I wish Mondays went for longer, I finish at 2pm and I feel as if I have been working for a full 8 hours. Oh well, that's Mondays for ya.
///Simmo
I got there kind of early. And after about 5 minutes Tori appeared (she has a class in the room next to us).
Danijel did not know about the whole thing yet, and for good reason. He would hold it against me. He walked up to her, called me over too. And was every second word from his mouth was my name. (very subtle). I Tori alone for good reason, because she wanted to be. But with recent events, I may see my self at least being friendly to her, and a friendship even. But as always my philosophy is to only go as far as she wants to. I am a true gentleman by all rights, I do not disrespect women in any way. I only hope, as always, that some girl will see the real me and be attracted to me because of that.
Well as a bonus at least she isn't acting weird around me anymore. But as usual even if I can talk to her, it will take a while. Especially with women that I like, it takes even longer for me to open up. But as most of you know, I can be a good talker once I do, well I hope I come across that way.
I just want something, anything, to change, I don't know who said it but "The only constant thing in your life is Change". Just nothing is changing atm, at least not anything that I can see...
damn I wish Mondays went for longer, I finish at 2pm and I feel as if I have been working for a full 8 hours. Oh well, that's Mondays for ya.
///Simmo
Thursday, May 13, 2004
Talking to friends sometimes brings back memories. Memories that I once thought as lost. I recalled most of my relationship with Tasha to a friend. And the situation of Tori to another. It was good to get them into a summarised form, becuase I really havent dont that before. It also undoubtably showed me what I have lost more than ever. But I did not feel utterly depressed. Just lonely, a pain that I cannot purge from my heart. A feeling that will never disappear. But the friend helped me understand that I will find someone eventually. As everyone keeps on telling me. I know that someone is out there that will find me attractive and want to be with me. And every other experience will pale in comparison. That person will offer emotional support beyond comparison and I will do the same. Sometimes I wonder, I fear that my next relationship will be a bandaid for what the pain I am feeling now, and it will not be 'real'. But I when I really think about it, I know that will not happen. My writings centre around loss, but they also focus on the longing, the wanting of someone special. I seek a relationship that will be better than the others (anything is an improvement). But I also have a strong belief that a relationship goes two ways.
I am only really happy when I know that someone likes me for who I am. Wants me for who I am, and will one day love me for who I am. I do not seek to change for this person, but to change with her. Relationships are a path and you walk it together, learning, growing. One day that path may part and sadly, it has to happen to some relationships. But there are the relationships that will go on for ever. And they will be happy together for the rest of their lives. There were times when they are unsure of the path, they go through it toghether, and become stronger together and that is what will make the relationship last forever. They are the only relationships that should last. Becuase negative relationships hurt both people, and the only thing that would come out of the relationship lasting longer is, that the two people will leave despising each other. And I never want that to happen to any of my relationships.
Friends help me bring order to my thoughts. When I am confused, I turn to them and they help me. I also hope that I help them at times too. Because I was not only talking about the intimate relationship between two people. But would also hope that friends can travel a similar path and be there for each other too. Partners will not always be there for you, but your true friends will be there when you fall and help you through the really hard times. And give you hope in your world of darkness. And then you will find another partner that will make all of lifes tortures worth it. And will show you a new type of happiness.
wow, that was a good rant, I think I should also post it on DA too :)
Thanks for reading it.
And thankyou to my friends for helping me through everything.
I love you guys *hugs*
//Simmo
I am only really happy when I know that someone likes me for who I am. Wants me for who I am, and will one day love me for who I am. I do not seek to change for this person, but to change with her. Relationships are a path and you walk it together, learning, growing. One day that path may part and sadly, it has to happen to some relationships. But there are the relationships that will go on for ever. And they will be happy together for the rest of their lives. There were times when they are unsure of the path, they go through it toghether, and become stronger together and that is what will make the relationship last forever. They are the only relationships that should last. Becuase negative relationships hurt both people, and the only thing that would come out of the relationship lasting longer is, that the two people will leave despising each other. And I never want that to happen to any of my relationships.
Friends help me bring order to my thoughts. When I am confused, I turn to them and they help me. I also hope that I help them at times too. Because I was not only talking about the intimate relationship between two people. But would also hope that friends can travel a similar path and be there for each other too. Partners will not always be there for you, but your true friends will be there when you fall and help you through the really hard times. And give you hope in your world of darkness. And then you will find another partner that will make all of lifes tortures worth it. And will show you a new type of happiness.
wow, that was a good rant, I think I should also post it on DA too :)
Thanks for reading it.
And thankyou to my friends for helping me through everything.
I love you guys *hugs*
//Simmo
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
A senseless rant with hardly any structure.
Why does everything seem so stuffed up.
The past few weeks have all been the same, I'm stuck in a rut. I know things will change, but at the moment they
are still the same. And when I think that things are getting back to normal things change. or is it all in my mind?
I dont know anymore and that is what pisses me off.
I havent closed the door on the past, that is my main problem. I am unable to move on for some reason.
I dont even know if I am making sense, so I am going to stop now.
//Simmo
Why does everything seem so stuffed up.
The past few weeks have all been the same, I'm stuck in a rut. I know things will change, but at the moment they
are still the same. And when I think that things are getting back to normal things change. or is it all in my mind?
I dont know anymore and that is what pisses me off.
I havent closed the door on the past, that is my main problem. I am unable to move on for some reason.
I dont even know if I am making sense, so I am going to stop now.
//Simmo
Sunday, May 09, 2004
For once something different to write about.
I am not happy, I am not allowed to go to Walldo's party tonight. I really like going to see all of my friends and I miss them all terribly. I dont even care if I drink or not, I just like seeing my friends again.
I have a whole day to try to convince my parents, but it seems as if my mum's mind is made up.
All I can say is sorry, and I hope that I see them sooner. If I'm really lucky, someone else will have a party. but not likely.
:-(
I miss you guys *hugs*
later...
I got my presents for my birthday today(I turn 19 on the 10th).
I got a pair of jeans a t-shirt. And a mobile phone :D
Its a Nokia 3200, and I love it. I have been needing a mobile phone for a long time. And now I have one.
I have gotten mostly everything set up on it. I still havent figured out WAP/GPRSand MMS...
The first SMS I sent was to Will and he rang me back and the group sung "happy birthday to you" to me. It was great, I wish I could have gone...
Once again I say, I miss you all, and I hope I see you all soon *hugs again*
//Simmo
I am not happy, I am not allowed to go to Walldo's party tonight. I really like going to see all of my friends and I miss them all terribly. I dont even care if I drink or not, I just like seeing my friends again.
I have a whole day to try to convince my parents, but it seems as if my mum's mind is made up.
All I can say is sorry, and I hope that I see them sooner. If I'm really lucky, someone else will have a party. but not likely.
:-(
I miss you guys *hugs*
later...
I got my presents for my birthday today(I turn 19 on the 10th).
I got a pair of jeans a t-shirt. And a mobile phone :D
Its a Nokia 3200, and I love it. I have been needing a mobile phone for a long time. And now I have one.
I have gotten mostly everything set up on it. I still havent figured out WAP/GPRSand MMS...
The first SMS I sent was to Will and he rang me back and the group sung "happy birthday to you" to me. It was great, I wish I could have gone...
Once again I say, I miss you all, and I hope I see you all soon *hugs again*
//Simmo
Wednesday, May 05, 2004
Why?
I know I have said it before but,
Girls are impossible to understand.
I know guys are too, but that's not what I'm talking about.
If a girl likes me they should say it. Likewise, if they don't like me they should say it too.
Most of you know that I am talking about Tori.
Everytime she see me she is shy, acts like she doesn't want to be seen or talked to. So respect her body language, but sometimes things just get stupid.
At tafe there are a limited amount of seats. And today our usual area was taken, So we found some other seats. And through no planning at all, they were right outside Tori's classroom. Not many people were in there, class must have ended. I should have taken that chance to at least speak to her. But no, I had to chicken out again. I want to speak to her, to say sorry, to know what she is really thinking. To hear it from her own mouth. I know I got an email, but I think all forms of communication are fake, except for face-to-face.
This is made even stronger by the fact I was dumped on the phone, I had no chance to read the rest of the story. Whether I like it or not, body language speaks stronger than words.
And by not speaking to someone in person, you are cutting a vital part of the conversation out.
Back on track. She saw me and once again I don't exactly know what her reaction was. But the real problem was that the seats we were sitting on were right outside the classroom door.
So when the time came for her to leave she left with a book covering her face. I don't know why. Is she being childish, mean, shy, vindictive?
If she likes me fine,
If she doesn't fine,
I would just like to know,
and for her to act normally around me.
I respect people far to much to bother someone who wants to be left alone.
Especially the ones I have stupid little crushes on.
//Simmo 3:02pm
I know I have said it before but,
Girls are impossible to understand.
I know guys are too, but that's not what I'm talking about.
If a girl likes me they should say it. Likewise, if they don't like me they should say it too.
Most of you know that I am talking about Tori.
Everytime she see me she is shy, acts like she doesn't want to be seen or talked to. So respect her body language, but sometimes things just get stupid.
At tafe there are a limited amount of seats. And today our usual area was taken, So we found some other seats. And through no planning at all, they were right outside Tori's classroom. Not many people were in there, class must have ended. I should have taken that chance to at least speak to her. But no, I had to chicken out again. I want to speak to her, to say sorry, to know what she is really thinking. To hear it from her own mouth. I know I got an email, but I think all forms of communication are fake, except for face-to-face.
This is made even stronger by the fact I was dumped on the phone, I had no chance to read the rest of the story. Whether I like it or not, body language speaks stronger than words.
And by not speaking to someone in person, you are cutting a vital part of the conversation out.
Back on track. She saw me and once again I don't exactly know what her reaction was. But the real problem was that the seats we were sitting on were right outside the classroom door.
So when the time came for her to leave she left with a book covering her face. I don't know why. Is she being childish, mean, shy, vindictive?
If she likes me fine,
If she doesn't fine,
I would just like to know,
and for her to act normally around me.
I respect people far to much to bother someone who wants to be left alone.
Especially the ones I have stupid little crushes on.
//Simmo 3:02pm
Sunday, May 02, 2004
Walldo's Party was last night. Just when I think that I have no friends, I get a phone call inviting me to a party.
The normal crowd was there and more. Andy got drunk in record time, once again. I would say that I got drunk, but I still remember each and every moment of the party, so I wasn't off my face.
Before we started drinking I got some muse video clips from Walldo's harddrive to my USB stick. I knew there were more reasons for that stick than just homework :-)
I spent most of the party talking to Julie and Will. Which was great, coz I feel I can say anything to them. What use is a party if you can't talk to anyone. Parties are social situations, and I treated it as such. I love talking to Will, when I can't make sense of something, he is the voice of reason and logic. How can I ever feel depressed when I am around the closest of my friends, I have'nt told anyone else 1/2 the things that I say to my best friends. My private blog pales in comparison.
I always have this awfal thought that my best friends are fake, that they don't care about me, and that they are only being friendly because they have to be. I know that this is false, but it stil circles around my mind every now and then. And as soon as I am with my friends I wonder how I could even have concieved that thought. In all logic, if my friends werent truly my friends, they could simply stop talking to me and not invite me to parties. But they don't.
After being betrayed so often, I am often wary of my friends. Scared that I would some day loose them. But the ones I do loose are not worth worrying about. They are often ruthless and vindictive, and not worth the trouble. I will not rant about that at the moment. That was another post and another mood.
Right now I am happy to have real friends, and I hope I told them that. I probably did, seeing I was drunk :P
I love you guys :-)
///Simmo 11:42
Note to self: Excel work should not be done whilst hungover, though it is being done for the first time ever so maybe can only be done whilst hungover? lol, I have confused myself even...
The normal crowd was there and more. Andy got drunk in record time, once again. I would say that I got drunk, but I still remember each and every moment of the party, so I wasn't off my face.
Before we started drinking I got some muse video clips from Walldo's harddrive to my USB stick. I knew there were more reasons for that stick than just homework :-)
I spent most of the party talking to Julie and Will. Which was great, coz I feel I can say anything to them. What use is a party if you can't talk to anyone. Parties are social situations, and I treated it as such. I love talking to Will, when I can't make sense of something, he is the voice of reason and logic. How can I ever feel depressed when I am around the closest of my friends, I have'nt told anyone else 1/2 the things that I say to my best friends. My private blog pales in comparison.
I always have this awfal thought that my best friends are fake, that they don't care about me, and that they are only being friendly because they have to be. I know that this is false, but it stil circles around my mind every now and then. And as soon as I am with my friends I wonder how I could even have concieved that thought. In all logic, if my friends werent truly my friends, they could simply stop talking to me and not invite me to parties. But they don't.
After being betrayed so often, I am often wary of my friends. Scared that I would some day loose them. But the ones I do loose are not worth worrying about. They are often ruthless and vindictive, and not worth the trouble. I will not rant about that at the moment. That was another post and another mood.
Right now I am happy to have real friends, and I hope I told them that. I probably did, seeing I was drunk :P
I love you guys :-)
///Simmo 11:42
Note to self: Excel work should not be done whilst hungover, though it is being done for the first time ever so maybe can only be done whilst hungover? lol, I have confused myself even...
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