Friday, August 27, 2004
I am finally getting on top of things again. Lets hope that the all good things happen in threes happens again.
First I became a more open person with help from my fantastic friends, second I got a job, only seasonal but still money and work. And then I started going out with Tasha. All good things happen in threes, because then I lost Tasha, I lost my job and lost contact with most of my friends (thankfully not all).
I am constantly becoming a more open person, my search for myself is only just beginning, I finally have a job after much hard work and perseverance. And also as a result I am beaming with confidence and optimism, this hasn't happened since the last time good things happened to me.
Now all the things that people have been saying to me recently about relationships is seeming more realistic. The advice worked when I was working hard to get a job, and the same is for realtionships. I shouldnt realy worry, as long as I remain focused, but not desperate, things should work out fine for me :)
4:55pm | 26-08-04
First I became a more open person with help from my fantastic friends, second I got a job, only seasonal but still money and work. And then I started going out with Tasha. All good things happen in threes, because then I lost Tasha, I lost my job and lost contact with most of my friends (thankfully not all).
I am constantly becoming a more open person, my search for myself is only just beginning, I finally have a job after much hard work and perseverance. And also as a result I am beaming with confidence and optimism, this hasn't happened since the last time good things happened to me.
Now all the things that people have been saying to me recently about relationships is seeming more realistic. The advice worked when I was working hard to get a job, and the same is for realtionships. I shouldnt realy worry, as long as I remain focused, but not desperate, things should work out fine for me :)
4:55pm | 26-08-04
Thursday, August 19, 2004
Life is fun when its full of failure :|
It's scary when I realise just how much i have done wrong. And how foolish I have been. A new perspective brings with it new light on old problems. I have fucked up everything with Tori. Whatever opinion she has of me, it is wrong. What ever she knows about me is false. She does not see me the way I wish to have been seen. But I brought it upon myself, in my fear and the indecision associated, I have shown her a part of me I don't like. The confused boy, the boy who fears taking the smallest risk, the child who is scared of loosing what he has never gained. I have no chance to talk to her on an even base. So friends is a fantasy, anything else. I don't even know if I even want anything else. I just thought for some reason it could be with Tori. I don't even know if I am even attracted to Tori.
Wendy, after talking to her once has become instant friends with her. Me, I have the demeanour of something horrid skulking in the shadows.
I have never had the best self confidence. My self image is severely skewed. But because of how I see myself, that is also how others see me. My body language speaks loud and clear; I am afraid. Afraid of the world and what horrors could happen to me.
And the ironic thing is, that me acting this way, has brought on the very things I fear. I am alone, I am horribly alone. I have friends, but they can't be around me and help me 24/7.
My inexperience is stopping me from experiencing. "My time will come"...WHEN!!! It may be selfish, it may be wrong, but the only way I can overcome all my fears, all my sadness...is to find someone to prove it all wrong.
So what if Tori doesn't like me, I wont care as long as I had something else.
And then there is my view that relationships are all peaches and cream. Sugar and spice and everything nice.
I believe that a relationship will be the most wonderful thing to happen to me since Tasha. But as many have hinted, and is painfully apparent...relationships are not always happy. Things go wrong, even though there will someday be someone else in my life, it will not necessarily be a positive thing. I may chose the wrong girl (ha funny, a girl to accept my advances).
Never been kissed, never been fucked. Never been anything.
But then once I have been, it doesn't mean I will instantly be a man. But at least I would know.
If only I knew.
At least then I would not be asking.
If only I knew what it was like.
If only I knew what she is thinking.
If only I knew why she left me.
If only I knew why I am so alone.
If only I knew how to escape,
how to make my situation better.
It's scary when I realise just how much i have done wrong. And how foolish I have been. A new perspective brings with it new light on old problems. I have fucked up everything with Tori. Whatever opinion she has of me, it is wrong. What ever she knows about me is false. She does not see me the way I wish to have been seen. But I brought it upon myself, in my fear and the indecision associated, I have shown her a part of me I don't like. The confused boy, the boy who fears taking the smallest risk, the child who is scared of loosing what he has never gained. I have no chance to talk to her on an even base. So friends is a fantasy, anything else. I don't even know if I even want anything else. I just thought for some reason it could be with Tori. I don't even know if I am even attracted to Tori.
Wendy, after talking to her once has become instant friends with her. Me, I have the demeanour of something horrid skulking in the shadows.
I have never had the best self confidence. My self image is severely skewed. But because of how I see myself, that is also how others see me. My body language speaks loud and clear; I am afraid. Afraid of the world and what horrors could happen to me.
And the ironic thing is, that me acting this way, has brought on the very things I fear. I am alone, I am horribly alone. I have friends, but they can't be around me and help me 24/7.
My inexperience is stopping me from experiencing. "My time will come"...WHEN!!! It may be selfish, it may be wrong, but the only way I can overcome all my fears, all my sadness...is to find someone to prove it all wrong.
So what if Tori doesn't like me, I wont care as long as I had something else.
And then there is my view that relationships are all peaches and cream. Sugar and spice and everything nice.
I believe that a relationship will be the most wonderful thing to happen to me since Tasha. But as many have hinted, and is painfully apparent...relationships are not always happy. Things go wrong, even though there will someday be someone else in my life, it will not necessarily be a positive thing. I may chose the wrong girl (ha funny, a girl to accept my advances).
Never been kissed, never been fucked. Never been anything.
But then once I have been, it doesn't mean I will instantly be a man. But at least I would know.
If only I knew.
At least then I would not be asking.
If only I knew what it was like.
If only I knew what she is thinking.
If only I knew why she left me.
If only I knew why I am so alone.
If only I knew how to escape,
how to make my situation better.
Saturday, August 14, 2004
Well a very interesting few days, and what’s even more interesting is that I have no idea how my actions from those days are going to affect the future.
Firstly, on Wednesday night I did not sleep. No reason, just so that I could say that I have gone a night without sleep. The night went both slowly and quickly. Then at school, hardly anyone from class was there. And the afternoon class was cancelled. But in the class that did happen, Tori and her friends were in it too. Before Tori entered one of her friends told me that she doesn’t hate me and that I should just try for being friends. I would love to be just friends with Tori, anything to change the useless situation I am in at the moment. So I started hanging around with her group, being nice, and just talking in conversation. I was amazingly relaxed when talking to Tori about trivial/useless things. And she was nice about it too. I am not even sure if I want to be more than friends with her anymore, she is nice, and she looks great to me. But there is another problem, one that I didn't know till today. I knew she was older than me, but I didn’t know how much. She is 23! That's a four year age gap. More than that of Megan+Colin, and Will+Ika. And lets not forget the distance thing, Geelong isn't exactly close.
This is yet another day which proves that I am still very young and very inexperienced.
I tried once or twice to ask if we could be friends. I am embarrassed to say it, but the words just didn't come out. I just stood there, looking at there, the chance staring me in the face. My brain was ready to say the words, I even opened my mouth, but I didn't say the words. I just stood there looking frustrated with myself...
Then in another situation I finally did say it. And it just goes to show that my mind can make any and every situation look worse than it actually is. I asked her if she would be friends with me and she accepted. I am still not totally sure of my motives behind it all, though they are not the same as they were a few months ago. As I said before, I would be very happy to be friends with her and from what I have seen she is a great friend. I just hope that I don't screw it up by saying or doing something wrong.
She knows so much more about everything than me. And I fear that my attempt at being friends with her, however harmless they may seem to me, may be seen in another light by Tori and those around her. And it doesn't help that she knows that I have liked her for more than 4 months.
Put simply I don't know myself, my actions and what I am going to do. If I did I would be a much more confident person, and quite possibly have a girlfriend by now. But I am not, I am a coward. I don't know what I am doing and I get burned as a result.
And no matter what things people say to me to hurt me, it is pale in comparison to the words I say to myself.
Everyone says that my time will come, and that I will find a woman that will see what my friends see. I see their logic, I know it will happen...one day. But the fact still remains that I am alone now, and that every stupid little attempt of mine has failed. Being alone hurts, knowing that I could be such a happy person if given the chance is even more painful.
Sorry for the depressing post, I wish as much as you do that I could write happy things. But that won’t be for a while...
///Simmo 5:23pm
Firstly, on Wednesday night I did not sleep. No reason, just so that I could say that I have gone a night without sleep. The night went both slowly and quickly. Then at school, hardly anyone from class was there. And the afternoon class was cancelled. But in the class that did happen, Tori and her friends were in it too. Before Tori entered one of her friends told me that she doesn’t hate me and that I should just try for being friends. I would love to be just friends with Tori, anything to change the useless situation I am in at the moment. So I started hanging around with her group, being nice, and just talking in conversation. I was amazingly relaxed when talking to Tori about trivial/useless things. And she was nice about it too. I am not even sure if I want to be more than friends with her anymore, she is nice, and she looks great to me. But there is another problem, one that I didn't know till today. I knew she was older than me, but I didn’t know how much. She is 23! That's a four year age gap. More than that of Megan+Colin, and Will+Ika. And lets not forget the distance thing, Geelong isn't exactly close.
This is yet another day which proves that I am still very young and very inexperienced.
I tried once or twice to ask if we could be friends. I am embarrassed to say it, but the words just didn't come out. I just stood there, looking at there, the chance staring me in the face. My brain was ready to say the words, I even opened my mouth, but I didn't say the words. I just stood there looking frustrated with myself...
Then in another situation I finally did say it. And it just goes to show that my mind can make any and every situation look worse than it actually is. I asked her if she would be friends with me and she accepted. I am still not totally sure of my motives behind it all, though they are not the same as they were a few months ago. As I said before, I would be very happy to be friends with her and from what I have seen she is a great friend. I just hope that I don't screw it up by saying or doing something wrong.
She knows so much more about everything than me. And I fear that my attempt at being friends with her, however harmless they may seem to me, may be seen in another light by Tori and those around her. And it doesn't help that she knows that I have liked her for more than 4 months.
Put simply I don't know myself, my actions and what I am going to do. If I did I would be a much more confident person, and quite possibly have a girlfriend by now. But I am not, I am a coward. I don't know what I am doing and I get burned as a result.
And no matter what things people say to me to hurt me, it is pale in comparison to the words I say to myself.
Everyone says that my time will come, and that I will find a woman that will see what my friends see. I see their logic, I know it will happen...one day. But the fact still remains that I am alone now, and that every stupid little attempt of mine has failed. Being alone hurts, knowing that I could be such a happy person if given the chance is even more painful.
Sorry for the depressing post, I wish as much as you do that I could write happy things. But that won’t be for a while...
///Simmo 5:23pm
Friday, August 06, 2004
I have no idea why I haven't posted recently, maybe that is why. I don't know what to write. Sure I can write short and meaningful poems. My journal entries require a bit more than a single thought or feeling. These entries are recollections or snapshots or moments in my life, sometimes in minute detail.
Where to start. School is going well, I got HD's (High Distinctions) and D's(Distinctions). The subjects are good, some are better than others, and mostly coz of the teachers. I do not like Visual Basic much, I don't like programming much. But then Networking is not being shown as being interesting either. The teacher has killed everything that I thought was interesting about it. I still wanna do Networking. I just don’t like the teacher.
And now, Wendy. A girl that has been in my class since the beginning, I have not talked to her, and neither have the rest of the class. Until this semester. She is nice, and reminds me horribly of Tasha. She also has a boyfriend. But the more I got to know her the more I saw the big differences between her and Tasha. And more importantly, the fact that I am not interested in her. One I can speak to her, if I was even slightly interested it would show. Coz I wouldn’t be speaking to her (Though Val is different, but don't see her enough, and don't even know if I like her or not.) Wendy is great to speak to, but is truly outta my league anyway, or to put it into nicer terms for me, not my type. She is a fashion victim, obsessed with her beauty with how she looks 24/7. I get how girls wan to look good for their partners and for themselves, but there are limits...
I have also been having a hard time with dealing with the opinions/help of others. Some say let go, others say that loosing is not an option. I have figured that out on my own *proudly puffs out chest* http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/9438422/ (lol, a poem for every thought and a thought for every poem). Everyone’s opinions are great, but none is greater than my own. Even though I have figured that out doesn't mean I am any closer to understand what I want though. That's an ever continuing battle.
I know I should be over Tasha, and should forget Tori. And at moments I believe that I have, but then there are the darker, weaker moments where I pine and ache for something, anything to fill the wide and bleeding hole. And what better to pine for at those times than the things that I have known or can at least comprehend. The past is an escape for the weak, the future a battle for the hopeful. And I am one, or the other, both or none. As predictable controllable as is the wind. At the moment I am neither, if i were weak there would be another page of Tasha and Tori. If I were hopeful there would be I also miss my friends. And hope that a party is hosted soon. But I am seeing Will tomorrow, the visit is long overdue. I should have organised it earlier, I miss the ease of school and constantly having friends around me.
What else?...not much. Not enough to start another thread of conversation with myself.
Until next time. Thanks for reading.
-Simon
Where to start. School is going well, I got HD's (High Distinctions) and D's(Distinctions). The subjects are good, some are better than others, and mostly coz of the teachers. I do not like Visual Basic much, I don't like programming much. But then Networking is not being shown as being interesting either. The teacher has killed everything that I thought was interesting about it. I still wanna do Networking. I just don’t like the teacher.
And now, Wendy. A girl that has been in my class since the beginning, I have not talked to her, and neither have the rest of the class. Until this semester. She is nice, and reminds me horribly of Tasha. She also has a boyfriend. But the more I got to know her the more I saw the big differences between her and Tasha. And more importantly, the fact that I am not interested in her. One I can speak to her, if I was even slightly interested it would show. Coz I wouldn’t be speaking to her (Though Val is different, but don't see her enough, and don't even know if I like her or not.) Wendy is great to speak to, but is truly outta my league anyway, or to put it into nicer terms for me, not my type. She is a fashion victim, obsessed with her beauty with how she looks 24/7. I get how girls wan to look good for their partners and for themselves, but there are limits...
I have also been having a hard time with dealing with the opinions/help of others. Some say let go, others say that loosing is not an option. I have figured that out on my own *proudly puffs out chest* http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/9438422/ (lol, a poem for every thought and a thought for every poem). Everyone’s opinions are great, but none is greater than my own. Even though I have figured that out doesn't mean I am any closer to understand what I want though. That's an ever continuing battle.
I know I should be over Tasha, and should forget Tori. And at moments I believe that I have, but then there are the darker, weaker moments where I pine and ache for something, anything to fill the wide and bleeding hole. And what better to pine for at those times than the things that I have known or can at least comprehend. The past is an escape for the weak, the future a battle for the hopeful. And I am one, or the other, both or none. As predictable controllable as is the wind. At the moment I am neither, if i were weak there would be another page of Tasha and Tori. If I were hopeful there would be I also miss my friends. And hope that a party is hosted soon. But I am seeing Will tomorrow, the visit is long overdue. I should have organised it earlier, I miss the ease of school and constantly having friends around me.
What else?...not much. Not enough to start another thread of conversation with myself.
Until next time. Thanks for reading.
-Simon
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