Saturday, August 14, 2004
Well a very interesting few days, and what’s even more interesting is that I have no idea how my actions from those days are going to affect the future.
Firstly, on Wednesday night I did not sleep. No reason, just so that I could say that I have gone a night without sleep. The night went both slowly and quickly. Then at school, hardly anyone from class was there. And the afternoon class was cancelled. But in the class that did happen, Tori and her friends were in it too. Before Tori entered one of her friends told me that she doesn’t hate me and that I should just try for being friends. I would love to be just friends with Tori, anything to change the useless situation I am in at the moment. So I started hanging around with her group, being nice, and just talking in conversation. I was amazingly relaxed when talking to Tori about trivial/useless things. And she was nice about it too. I am not even sure if I want to be more than friends with her anymore, she is nice, and she looks great to me. But there is another problem, one that I didn't know till today. I knew she was older than me, but I didn’t know how much. She is 23! That's a four year age gap. More than that of Megan+Colin, and Will+Ika. And lets not forget the distance thing, Geelong isn't exactly close.
This is yet another day which proves that I am still very young and very inexperienced.
I tried once or twice to ask if we could be friends. I am embarrassed to say it, but the words just didn't come out. I just stood there, looking at there, the chance staring me in the face. My brain was ready to say the words, I even opened my mouth, but I didn't say the words. I just stood there looking frustrated with myself...
Then in another situation I finally did say it. And it just goes to show that my mind can make any and every situation look worse than it actually is. I asked her if she would be friends with me and she accepted. I am still not totally sure of my motives behind it all, though they are not the same as they were a few months ago. As I said before, I would be very happy to be friends with her and from what I have seen she is a great friend. I just hope that I don't screw it up by saying or doing something wrong.
She knows so much more about everything than me. And I fear that my attempt at being friends with her, however harmless they may seem to me, may be seen in another light by Tori and those around her. And it doesn't help that she knows that I have liked her for more than 4 months.
Put simply I don't know myself, my actions and what I am going to do. If I did I would be a much more confident person, and quite possibly have a girlfriend by now. But I am not, I am a coward. I don't know what I am doing and I get burned as a result.
And no matter what things people say to me to hurt me, it is pale in comparison to the words I say to myself.
Everyone says that my time will come, and that I will find a woman that will see what my friends see. I see their logic, I know it will happen...one day. But the fact still remains that I am alone now, and that every stupid little attempt of mine has failed. Being alone hurts, knowing that I could be such a happy person if given the chance is even more painful.
Sorry for the depressing post, I wish as much as you do that I could write happy things. But that won’t be for a while...
///Simmo 5:23pm
Firstly, on Wednesday night I did not sleep. No reason, just so that I could say that I have gone a night without sleep. The night went both slowly and quickly. Then at school, hardly anyone from class was there. And the afternoon class was cancelled. But in the class that did happen, Tori and her friends were in it too. Before Tori entered one of her friends told me that she doesn’t hate me and that I should just try for being friends. I would love to be just friends with Tori, anything to change the useless situation I am in at the moment. So I started hanging around with her group, being nice, and just talking in conversation. I was amazingly relaxed when talking to Tori about trivial/useless things. And she was nice about it too. I am not even sure if I want to be more than friends with her anymore, she is nice, and she looks great to me. But there is another problem, one that I didn't know till today. I knew she was older than me, but I didn’t know how much. She is 23! That's a four year age gap. More than that of Megan+Colin, and Will+Ika. And lets not forget the distance thing, Geelong isn't exactly close.
This is yet another day which proves that I am still very young and very inexperienced.
I tried once or twice to ask if we could be friends. I am embarrassed to say it, but the words just didn't come out. I just stood there, looking at there, the chance staring me in the face. My brain was ready to say the words, I even opened my mouth, but I didn't say the words. I just stood there looking frustrated with myself...
Then in another situation I finally did say it. And it just goes to show that my mind can make any and every situation look worse than it actually is. I asked her if she would be friends with me and she accepted. I am still not totally sure of my motives behind it all, though they are not the same as they were a few months ago. As I said before, I would be very happy to be friends with her and from what I have seen she is a great friend. I just hope that I don't screw it up by saying or doing something wrong.
She knows so much more about everything than me. And I fear that my attempt at being friends with her, however harmless they may seem to me, may be seen in another light by Tori and those around her. And it doesn't help that she knows that I have liked her for more than 4 months.
Put simply I don't know myself, my actions and what I am going to do. If I did I would be a much more confident person, and quite possibly have a girlfriend by now. But I am not, I am a coward. I don't know what I am doing and I get burned as a result.
And no matter what things people say to me to hurt me, it is pale in comparison to the words I say to myself.
Everyone says that my time will come, and that I will find a woman that will see what my friends see. I see their logic, I know it will happen...one day. But the fact still remains that I am alone now, and that every stupid little attempt of mine has failed. Being alone hurts, knowing that I could be such a happy person if given the chance is even more painful.
Sorry for the depressing post, I wish as much as you do that I could write happy things. But that won’t be for a while...
///Simmo 5:23pm
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