Thursday, August 19, 2004
Life is fun when its full of failure :|
It's scary when I realise just how much i have done wrong. And how foolish I have been. A new perspective brings with it new light on old problems. I have fucked up everything with Tori. Whatever opinion she has of me, it is wrong. What ever she knows about me is false. She does not see me the way I wish to have been seen. But I brought it upon myself, in my fear and the indecision associated, I have shown her a part of me I don't like. The confused boy, the boy who fears taking the smallest risk, the child who is scared of loosing what he has never gained. I have no chance to talk to her on an even base. So friends is a fantasy, anything else. I don't even know if I even want anything else. I just thought for some reason it could be with Tori. I don't even know if I am even attracted to Tori.
Wendy, after talking to her once has become instant friends with her. Me, I have the demeanour of something horrid skulking in the shadows.
I have never had the best self confidence. My self image is severely skewed. But because of how I see myself, that is also how others see me. My body language speaks loud and clear; I am afraid. Afraid of the world and what horrors could happen to me.
And the ironic thing is, that me acting this way, has brought on the very things I fear. I am alone, I am horribly alone. I have friends, but they can't be around me and help me 24/7.
My inexperience is stopping me from experiencing. "My time will come"...WHEN!!! It may be selfish, it may be wrong, but the only way I can overcome all my fears, all my sadness...is to find someone to prove it all wrong.
So what if Tori doesn't like me, I wont care as long as I had something else.
And then there is my view that relationships are all peaches and cream. Sugar and spice and everything nice.
I believe that a relationship will be the most wonderful thing to happen to me since Tasha. But as many have hinted, and is painfully apparent...relationships are not always happy. Things go wrong, even though there will someday be someone else in my life, it will not necessarily be a positive thing. I may chose the wrong girl (ha funny, a girl to accept my advances).
Never been kissed, never been fucked. Never been anything.
But then once I have been, it doesn't mean I will instantly be a man. But at least I would know.
If only I knew.
At least then I would not be asking.
If only I knew what it was like.
If only I knew what she is thinking.
If only I knew why she left me.
If only I knew why I am so alone.
If only I knew how to escape,
how to make my situation better.
It's scary when I realise just how much i have done wrong. And how foolish I have been. A new perspective brings with it new light on old problems. I have fucked up everything with Tori. Whatever opinion she has of me, it is wrong. What ever she knows about me is false. She does not see me the way I wish to have been seen. But I brought it upon myself, in my fear and the indecision associated, I have shown her a part of me I don't like. The confused boy, the boy who fears taking the smallest risk, the child who is scared of loosing what he has never gained. I have no chance to talk to her on an even base. So friends is a fantasy, anything else. I don't even know if I even want anything else. I just thought for some reason it could be with Tori. I don't even know if I am even attracted to Tori.
Wendy, after talking to her once has become instant friends with her. Me, I have the demeanour of something horrid skulking in the shadows.
I have never had the best self confidence. My self image is severely skewed. But because of how I see myself, that is also how others see me. My body language speaks loud and clear; I am afraid. Afraid of the world and what horrors could happen to me.
And the ironic thing is, that me acting this way, has brought on the very things I fear. I am alone, I am horribly alone. I have friends, but they can't be around me and help me 24/7.
My inexperience is stopping me from experiencing. "My time will come"...WHEN!!! It may be selfish, it may be wrong, but the only way I can overcome all my fears, all my sadness...is to find someone to prove it all wrong.
So what if Tori doesn't like me, I wont care as long as I had something else.
And then there is my view that relationships are all peaches and cream. Sugar and spice and everything nice.
I believe that a relationship will be the most wonderful thing to happen to me since Tasha. But as many have hinted, and is painfully apparent...relationships are not always happy. Things go wrong, even though there will someday be someone else in my life, it will not necessarily be a positive thing. I may chose the wrong girl (ha funny, a girl to accept my advances).
Never been kissed, never been fucked. Never been anything.
But then once I have been, it doesn't mean I will instantly be a man. But at least I would know.
If only I knew.
At least then I would not be asking.
If only I knew what it was like.
If only I knew what she is thinking.
If only I knew why she left me.
If only I knew why I am so alone.
If only I knew how to escape,
how to make my situation better.
Comments:
Post a Comment
|
|
