Saturday, July 24, 2004
http://ca.geocities.com/dragonblade027/beginning/index.htm
Read it, you will not regret it
Read it, you will not regret it
Sunday, July 18, 2004
Last night was Megan's party. It was great to see my best friends again. Will+Ika, Megan+Collin, Walldo+Anita, Amelia, Malcom, Stuart and another person from Werribee SC were there. And my sister and Scott went too.
Since I was still taking antibiotics for my wisdom teeth, I couldn’t drink :-( . So I just drank coke :-(
It was a fun night at first I didn't take Walldo's advice of "letting go", but as the night went on, I couldn’t help but act different and go with the flow, and it was fun not to care how I looked or how I acted, and all without the help of alcohol.
It was nice to meet Anita again, last time I didn’t know she was Walldo's Girlfriend. It was great to get to know her. Walldo is really lucky, I am happy for him.
It doesn’t matter how many times they say to me that I will find someone eventually, and I do believe them. I can’t help but feel a bit depressed when I see so many couples and seeing how much fun they are having together. It is occupying alot of my time now, though I know it shouldn’t. I constantly think and worry about being alone, and wonder when and who it will be. And at my weakest times, I wonder if it will ever happen at all, and why Tasha had to like me in the first place.
But as I said my friends help me the most, even though a weird sense of jealously arises at points. Though not intended, and it is not their fault in any way.
Talking to my friends pushes all my worries away, if only for a while and they keep the flame of hope alive within me. And for that I can't thank them enough.
I left at 1am, it was a great party. And shows I don’t need to drink to have fun or let go (though it does take a bit more work
when sober).
//Simmo 11:47am
Since I was still taking antibiotics for my wisdom teeth, I couldn’t drink :-( . So I just drank coke :-(
It was a fun night at first I didn't take Walldo's advice of "letting go", but as the night went on, I couldn’t help but act different and go with the flow, and it was fun not to care how I looked or how I acted, and all without the help of alcohol.
It was nice to meet Anita again, last time I didn’t know she was Walldo's Girlfriend. It was great to get to know her. Walldo is really lucky, I am happy for him.
It doesn’t matter how many times they say to me that I will find someone eventually, and I do believe them. I can’t help but feel a bit depressed when I see so many couples and seeing how much fun they are having together. It is occupying alot of my time now, though I know it shouldn’t. I constantly think and worry about being alone, and wonder when and who it will be. And at my weakest times, I wonder if it will ever happen at all, and why Tasha had to like me in the first place.
But as I said my friends help me the most, even though a weird sense of jealously arises at points. Though not intended, and it is not their fault in any way.
Talking to my friends pushes all my worries away, if only for a while and they keep the flame of hope alive within me. And for that I can't thank them enough.
I left at 1am, it was a great party. And shows I don’t need to drink to have fun or let go (though it does take a bit more work
when sober).
//Simmo 11:47am
Saturday, July 10, 2004
After last night I also noticed that I haven’t done that "big post". The last 3 weeks have had no blogs :-) Well, I guess I will fix that.
I Finished on the 18th of June. But it doesn’t mean that it was a boring day. Actually it was the complete opposite. Tori was around, and I did not acknowledge even seeing her. But it still affected me. I wrote a heap of poems (posted on DA). Thinking back to that day, I don't know what I was so worked up about. Sure she seemed to be laughing at me, but what does that matter. I have not tried to talk to her for a long time, and all but a small part of me has given up. But that part will never give up, because it is not specific to Tori, it was only focused on Tori at that time. If I totally give up, I will have given up on love. Totally. But as with everything that is said in hindsight, things seem far easier to cope with and understand. I just hope I understand these things enough to believe that the things happened for a reason, and there is no use at all in wanting those moments to change.
I enjoyed two weeks of holidays, pain free. Walldo had a party, and so did Megan.
Then I got my wisdom teeth removed on the 2nd of July. It wasn't as bad as I expected. I didn’t even notice falling asleep. And
when I woke up the pain was quite bearable. But from hearing what others have experienced, I got off lucky. Most had bruising and/or intense pain. I was fine, that is until a few days ago. It seems that one of the sockets has not been cleaned out enough, so itis acting like it is infected. I quote "Increased pain and swelling and a foul tasting intraoral discharge". That is an understatement. Every 20 minutes or so that foul taste seeped from the socket. Since finding out that it needs to be washed out, the foul taste is still there. But it is less frequent, and I know what to do now when I do taste it. That leads me to say that the surgeon has no bedside manner at all. She treated my inquisitions with no empathy. She seems cold and unemotional, and she has not shown me anything to make me think any different.
That seems about it. I like my holidays, and I find that doing nothing at all can be much more enjoyable than any real work.
But Monday I go back, I don’t think I would have wanted much more time off, I need work to keep my mind occupied, I can't do nothing my whole life. It gets boring after a while :-)
//Simmo 6:05pm
I Finished on the 18th of June. But it doesn’t mean that it was a boring day. Actually it was the complete opposite. Tori was around, and I did not acknowledge even seeing her. But it still affected me. I wrote a heap of poems (posted on DA). Thinking back to that day, I don't know what I was so worked up about. Sure she seemed to be laughing at me, but what does that matter. I have not tried to talk to her for a long time, and all but a small part of me has given up. But that part will never give up, because it is not specific to Tori, it was only focused on Tori at that time. If I totally give up, I will have given up on love. Totally. But as with everything that is said in hindsight, things seem far easier to cope with and understand. I just hope I understand these things enough to believe that the things happened for a reason, and there is no use at all in wanting those moments to change.
I enjoyed two weeks of holidays, pain free. Walldo had a party, and so did Megan.
Then I got my wisdom teeth removed on the 2nd of July. It wasn't as bad as I expected. I didn’t even notice falling asleep. And
when I woke up the pain was quite bearable. But from hearing what others have experienced, I got off lucky. Most had bruising and/or intense pain. I was fine, that is until a few days ago. It seems that one of the sockets has not been cleaned out enough, so itis acting like it is infected. I quote "Increased pain and swelling and a foul tasting intraoral discharge". That is an understatement. Every 20 minutes or so that foul taste seeped from the socket. Since finding out that it needs to be washed out, the foul taste is still there. But it is less frequent, and I know what to do now when I do taste it. That leads me to say that the surgeon has no bedside manner at all. She treated my inquisitions with no empathy. She seems cold and unemotional, and she has not shown me anything to make me think any different.
That seems about it. I like my holidays, and I find that doing nothing at all can be much more enjoyable than any real work.
But Monday I go back, I don’t think I would have wanted much more time off, I need work to keep my mind occupied, I can't do nothing my whole life. It gets boring after a while :-)
//Simmo 6:05pm
Friday, July 09, 2004
Times do get interesting don't they?
I didn’t expect anything to come from tonight except maybe a bit more time on the net and then going to sleep. How wrong I was. Walldo informed me that their band (Golgotha AD) are playing at Volt tonite. How amazing and frustrating it was.
At first I was worried if I would even see people that I know, but then I saw a group with Ika. And It soon became apparent that 1/3 of the whole audience were people that I have seen or meet previously. Alot were from Galvin, the others were just people that have been to parties. My friends always bring a smile to my face. I know that I am not alone when they greet me. Golgotha are playing 3rd and in the meantime there were 2 crappy bands to endure. Meanwhile Will told me that Tasha was here aswell. Now that is the cause of frustrations. I do not blame her at all for the way I am feeling now, I blame myself and my usual overreaction to anything and everything. First was my paranoia; I do not know why I wish to be so cruel to myself. But this is the past now and I am simply recounting it in detail....
My mind was imagining anyone could be Tasha, of course none were, no matter how long it has been, I would instantly recognise her, with no buts and no ifs. And then she did come up to talk to me, with a friend. She has not changed, still as beautiful as before, but still the reasoning was not there. We talked about nothing it was 2 minute conversation of "How are you?" and Good". Pointless and a mere "technicality".
That said it was good to see her again, and to see that she is doing well. Especially since the last time that I saw her was that memorable time back in December. And it is the first time I have seen her since she broke up with me, 7 months down the track. I should have seen this coming, there had to be a time when we would have seen each other again. Even if we did not want to. Werribee is small and we do have similar groups of friends. If the opportunity for a deep and meaningful conversation arose, I do not think that I would have known what to say. It has been so long, I would have not know where to start.
And now the time for me to ONCE AGAIN, pull apart a moment, spectactually overanalyse it, and think of a few hundred different ways that it could be handled. I need to change, to be able to cope with life in general, coz honestly I think the methods that I have now are not working enough. I know that in comparison to others, these things are nothing, but I am not them, and these are my experiences. They still hurt immensely. They matter to me, and they seem big to me, though even I would understand in time how little they matter in the big picture.
I felt that a blog entry was required because this is not a time where I am carefully thinking out each and every thing. The poems for this episode will come, but for the moment babble is upon me. And you (most probably a dear friend) are kind enough to read the senseless text that I am spewing out.
That said, let me go into the rest of the night, which amazingly was pretty good. I say that because I have never been to something like this before. You could definitely tell this was an underage thing, coz I swear a good chunk of the group looked 12-14. For once Ika wasn’t one of the youngest people.
Golgotha were great I have never heard them play live, but I enjoyed it immensely.
After Golgotha played they packed up and then a group of us had to leave. I had had enough of the surroundings so I went too. I was kind of hoping to speak to my friends more. But it wasn't really a choice place.
I got home at 10ish. As I said the night was amazing and frustrating for me, and now you know why :-)
///Simmo 11:02pm
I didn’t expect anything to come from tonight except maybe a bit more time on the net and then going to sleep. How wrong I was. Walldo informed me that their band (Golgotha AD) are playing at Volt tonite. How amazing and frustrating it was.
At first I was worried if I would even see people that I know, but then I saw a group with Ika. And It soon became apparent that 1/3 of the whole audience were people that I have seen or meet previously. Alot were from Galvin, the others were just people that have been to parties. My friends always bring a smile to my face. I know that I am not alone when they greet me. Golgotha are playing 3rd and in the meantime there were 2 crappy bands to endure. Meanwhile Will told me that Tasha was here aswell. Now that is the cause of frustrations. I do not blame her at all for the way I am feeling now, I blame myself and my usual overreaction to anything and everything. First was my paranoia; I do not know why I wish to be so cruel to myself. But this is the past now and I am simply recounting it in detail....
My mind was imagining anyone could be Tasha, of course none were, no matter how long it has been, I would instantly recognise her, with no buts and no ifs. And then she did come up to talk to me, with a friend. She has not changed, still as beautiful as before, but still the reasoning was not there. We talked about nothing it was 2 minute conversation of "How are you?" and Good". Pointless and a mere "technicality".
That said it was good to see her again, and to see that she is doing well. Especially since the last time that I saw her was that memorable time back in December. And it is the first time I have seen her since she broke up with me, 7 months down the track. I should have seen this coming, there had to be a time when we would have seen each other again. Even if we did not want to. Werribee is small and we do have similar groups of friends. If the opportunity for a deep and meaningful conversation arose, I do not think that I would have known what to say. It has been so long, I would have not know where to start.
And now the time for me to ONCE AGAIN, pull apart a moment, spectactually overanalyse it, and think of a few hundred different ways that it could be handled. I need to change, to be able to cope with life in general, coz honestly I think the methods that I have now are not working enough. I know that in comparison to others, these things are nothing, but I am not them, and these are my experiences. They still hurt immensely. They matter to me, and they seem big to me, though even I would understand in time how little they matter in the big picture.
I felt that a blog entry was required because this is not a time where I am carefully thinking out each and every thing. The poems for this episode will come, but for the moment babble is upon me. And you (most probably a dear friend) are kind enough to read the senseless text that I am spewing out.
That said, let me go into the rest of the night, which amazingly was pretty good. I say that because I have never been to something like this before. You could definitely tell this was an underage thing, coz I swear a good chunk of the group looked 12-14. For once Ika wasn’t one of the youngest people.
Golgotha were great I have never heard them play live, but I enjoyed it immensely.
After Golgotha played they packed up and then a group of us had to leave. I had had enough of the surroundings so I went too. I was kind of hoping to speak to my friends more. But it wasn't really a choice place.
I got home at 10ish. As I said the night was amazing and frustrating for me, and now you know why :-)
///Simmo 11:02pm
|
|
