Friday, March 05, 2004
4:42pm/It's always good to find things out, no matter how old the information is it is still valid. And it not old to me. I guess now I can rely move on and my mind may finally decide to let go...
I guess I should say what is actually bothering me, its kinda necessary for you to understand what the hell I am talking about.
I talked to Walldo not two moments ago, to get some advice on the Tasha situation, and I have finally found out something that will help me move on once and for all. I know I shouldnt hate her, but I feel like it, I am being such a dickhead atm. I mean yesterday I was saying I would be happy if she was coping better than me. And she most definitely is. She is going out with someone. I feel sick to the stomach, knowing that I still feel for her, and that is now but a shadow of a hope. I should be happy, this is what I have been waiting almost 2 months for. And if it is even possible I feel more confused than I have ever been, I mean things are just happening to me one after another, and they are beginning to pile up. I guess I am naive to think that she is feeling exactly the same as me. She has been in more relationships than me, she has learnt to cope. I on the other hand am almost an Adult and only just now am I learning the pain of relationships. It really makes you think, is it all worth it. With hope I think that any risk is worth it, but with the despair that I am experiencing now, I am thinking that all that love has to off er-- is pain. Love is cruel, it hits a naive person, and makes them as happy as they have ever been (It gives them a huge pile of cheese - I really have to finish that book, I am only a few pages in and I am already learning heaps). And then as soon as you are starting to enjoy the Cheese, it is snatched away, leaving you (it seems) with nothing at all. But there is something there; pain, despair and longing for what was lost. No matter how little the relationship was I at least had some cheese.
You know that I havent really cried for almost a year? That is by far the longest time I have gone without expressing my emotions in some kind of visiblefear or anger...
Damn, now I need to explain it. My way of coping with the extremes of emotions was to get very angry, try and take revenge on the dealer of the pain I was feeling in a very spontaneous way. This was more often or not in relation to bullies. But as most of you know, The Wall was the best place for me to change (but that is a different story). I forgot to mention the aftermath, because the course of action that I chose the retaliate was most often futile, it just meant more humiliation, and thus the bullies got the response they got now, I cried, I cried until I couldn't cry any more most times. And this cycle continued for some amount of time. Another thing is that this anger may have seemed spontaneous at the time, but it is actually at a very precise moment, I can pinpoint the exact things that caused it. I should stop calling it anger, although it was, it was really my raw emotion at the time, what I was feeling at that moment and time, in a highly visible form. People constantly tormented me, the "little" things that they did were of no concern to the teachers and most of the time it didn't bother me at that time. But I always did something that in hindsight I shouldn't have. The teachers said for me to ignore it, and that is what I did, but I did not discard it. I bottled it up, and those little things became one big problem, that could only be dispensed of with a show of raw emotion.
That is what crying is for me a release, a way for me to clean the slate and start over. Of course I am not like that any more, a lot of bad things would have to happen to me at the moment for that to happen, and look. What a coincidence. They have!
But I do not get angry, truly angry at people anymore. Sure I yell and swear sometimes, but that is anger from the surface, not from the deepest parts of my soul.
I guess the main key to this all is to let it out in short bursts, and I am doing it right now, by writing a blog I can express what I am feeling in the deepest parts of my soul. Most importantly I am not hurting anyone, or myself.
Now that's done, since I really haven't cried in so long, and at the moment this is the closest that I have been to crying. I know I want to, but its like I have forgotten how to cry of something. There would have been time in my past in which I would have loved for this day to come, but at the moment all I wanna do is cry. To cleanse my soul of all the hurt and the pain that it has been feeling for the past 2 months.
Another thing that is worth mentioning is, that just after speaking to a friend is a time in which I do not feel despair or pain. Most times that is, not all of them have such glorious results.
Another thing that will make me feel a bit better and will really help me enjoy Bea's party on Saturday is that I have heard Tasha wont be going. At the moment it would just destroy me to see her there, and it would do even more damage if her Boyfriend was to be with her too. My emotions, I thought I knew them all, but I was wrong, It is like starting from the beginning again. As I said before I am very confused at the moment and I have found the perfect word to start describing how I am feeling at the moment Vulnerable.
My last post was my last glimmer of hope, and now it lies before me shattered, and unrecognisable.
I am still waiting for the time in which I will reach a turning point. This most definitely a landmark in the road to me finding someone new, because now I am finally coming to the realisation that there is no hope for the past, and the past can never be changed, so there is no point in sitting on my own, remembering the moments which brought me such happiness, and looking at them with sad eyes and hope. Wishing for Those times to be a reality again will bring me no joy, and will only give me more despair.
I'm sure that if I was to continue reading the Cheese book I will find more answers, it has proved to be true for this part of the leg. I only hope that it will help give me some way of getting through the next parts of my life. I will try to find a e-book version, if it is helping me already, it will help others, but at the very least it will help give you more of an insight to what I am feeling now.
The false hope, helped me get through the last few weeks, but has it really helped, me? I am still when it boils down to it, at the same point that I was when Tasha asked me whether our relationship was working.
I do not think that I am blaming her, but if ever I am put in that same position again, only this time I am the one telling, I would hope that I have the courtousy to tell the person this stuff face to face. Not being able to see a person saying such meaningful (and whether intended or not hurtful) words leaves out so much, body language is very important, and the eyes. The eyes are the most important, they can say what words never will. But it is over now. No matter how hard I try I know that I will never forget her, she was my first girlfriend, and nothing will change that. Just as I know that things will never be the same. Whatever she may have felt for me is either gone or has changed so much that it is only a memory.
As I try to figure things out, I still have no answers. And I don't think I ever will, but I don't feel alone. It is amazing how many people have had similar experiences to me. And it is comforting, to know that nothing is wrong with me, and that no one is to blame in the end.
I just have to learn to move on from this particularly low part of my life. I have seen others that have bee depressed, and they have beaten it. And are better people as a result.
I hope it will be a similar thing for me...
////Simmo 6:05pm
I guess I should say what is actually bothering me, its kinda necessary for you to understand what the hell I am talking about.
I talked to Walldo not two moments ago, to get some advice on the Tasha situation, and I have finally found out something that will help me move on once and for all. I know I shouldnt hate her, but I feel like it, I am being such a dickhead atm. I mean yesterday I was saying I would be happy if she was coping better than me. And she most definitely is. She is going out with someone. I feel sick to the stomach, knowing that I still feel for her, and that is now but a shadow of a hope. I should be happy, this is what I have been waiting almost 2 months for. And if it is even possible I feel more confused than I have ever been, I mean things are just happening to me one after another, and they are beginning to pile up. I guess I am naive to think that she is feeling exactly the same as me. She has been in more relationships than me, she has learnt to cope. I on the other hand am almost an Adult and only just now am I learning the pain of relationships. It really makes you think, is it all worth it. With hope I think that any risk is worth it, but with the despair that I am experiencing now, I am thinking that all that love has to off er-- is pain. Love is cruel, it hits a naive person, and makes them as happy as they have ever been (It gives them a huge pile of cheese - I really have to finish that book, I am only a few pages in and I am already learning heaps). And then as soon as you are starting to enjoy the Cheese, it is snatched away, leaving you (it seems) with nothing at all. But there is something there; pain, despair and longing for what was lost. No matter how little the relationship was I at least had some cheese.
You know that I havent really cried for almost a year? That is by far the longest time I have gone without expressing my emotions in some kind of visiblefear or anger...
Damn, now I need to explain it. My way of coping with the extremes of emotions was to get very angry, try and take revenge on the dealer of the pain I was feeling in a very spontaneous way. This was more often or not in relation to bullies. But as most of you know, The Wall was the best place for me to change (but that is a different story). I forgot to mention the aftermath, because the course of action that I chose the retaliate was most often futile, it just meant more humiliation, and thus the bullies got the response they got now, I cried, I cried until I couldn't cry any more most times. And this cycle continued for some amount of time. Another thing is that this anger may have seemed spontaneous at the time, but it is actually at a very precise moment, I can pinpoint the exact things that caused it. I should stop calling it anger, although it was, it was really my raw emotion at the time, what I was feeling at that moment and time, in a highly visible form. People constantly tormented me, the "little" things that they did were of no concern to the teachers and most of the time it didn't bother me at that time. But I always did something that in hindsight I shouldn't have. The teachers said for me to ignore it, and that is what I did, but I did not discard it. I bottled it up, and those little things became one big problem, that could only be dispensed of with a show of raw emotion.
That is what crying is for me a release, a way for me to clean the slate and start over. Of course I am not like that any more, a lot of bad things would have to happen to me at the moment for that to happen, and look. What a coincidence. They have!
But I do not get angry, truly angry at people anymore. Sure I yell and swear sometimes, but that is anger from the surface, not from the deepest parts of my soul.
I guess the main key to this all is to let it out in short bursts, and I am doing it right now, by writing a blog I can express what I am feeling in the deepest parts of my soul. Most importantly I am not hurting anyone, or myself.
Now that's done, since I really haven't cried in so long, and at the moment this is the closest that I have been to crying. I know I want to, but its like I have forgotten how to cry of something. There would have been time in my past in which I would have loved for this day to come, but at the moment all I wanna do is cry. To cleanse my soul of all the hurt and the pain that it has been feeling for the past 2 months.
Another thing that is worth mentioning is, that just after speaking to a friend is a time in which I do not feel despair or pain. Most times that is, not all of them have such glorious results.
Another thing that will make me feel a bit better and will really help me enjoy Bea's party on Saturday is that I have heard Tasha wont be going. At the moment it would just destroy me to see her there, and it would do even more damage if her Boyfriend was to be with her too. My emotions, I thought I knew them all, but I was wrong, It is like starting from the beginning again. As I said before I am very confused at the moment and I have found the perfect word to start describing how I am feeling at the moment Vulnerable.
My last post was my last glimmer of hope, and now it lies before me shattered, and unrecognisable.
I am still waiting for the time in which I will reach a turning point. This most definitely a landmark in the road to me finding someone new, because now I am finally coming to the realisation that there is no hope for the past, and the past can never be changed, so there is no point in sitting on my own, remembering the moments which brought me such happiness, and looking at them with sad eyes and hope. Wishing for Those times to be a reality again will bring me no joy, and will only give me more despair.
I'm sure that if I was to continue reading the Cheese book I will find more answers, it has proved to be true for this part of the leg. I only hope that it will help give me some way of getting through the next parts of my life. I will try to find a e-book version, if it is helping me already, it will help others, but at the very least it will help give you more of an insight to what I am feeling now.
The false hope, helped me get through the last few weeks, but has it really helped, me? I am still when it boils down to it, at the same point that I was when Tasha asked me whether our relationship was working.
I do not think that I am blaming her, but if ever I am put in that same position again, only this time I am the one telling, I would hope that I have the courtousy to tell the person this stuff face to face. Not being able to see a person saying such meaningful (and whether intended or not hurtful) words leaves out so much, body language is very important, and the eyes. The eyes are the most important, they can say what words never will. But it is over now. No matter how hard I try I know that I will never forget her, she was my first girlfriend, and nothing will change that. Just as I know that things will never be the same. Whatever she may have felt for me is either gone or has changed so much that it is only a memory.
As I try to figure things out, I still have no answers. And I don't think I ever will, but I don't feel alone. It is amazing how many people have had similar experiences to me. And it is comforting, to know that nothing is wrong with me, and that no one is to blame in the end.
I just have to learn to move on from this particularly low part of my life. I have seen others that have bee depressed, and they have beaten it. And are better people as a result.
I hope it will be a similar thing for me...
////Simmo 6:05pm
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